Dear Diary
by bmonies
Summary: A trilogy in 3 different POV's of love lost. The Way I Love You: Aiden's POV. Don't Ask Me To Stay: Spencer's POV. Love Songs: Ashley's POV. I suggest opening up your ipods and playing the music within the chapters.
1. The Way That I Love You: Entry 1

Dear Diary,

Today is August 30th, 2007.

We've been together for 4 years now, almost exactly to the date in a few days. Happily. One of the most easy-going and fulfilling relationships I've ever been in actually. And trust me, I've had my fair share of girls and women alike but there's just something about Spencer that is so delicate. I feel like I am not enough for her. Maybe it's her past. I feel privileged that she picked me. Me. Of all people to love and share the warmth of her heart with she chose me and I couldn't be happier. I try to make her feel what I feel for her everyday but recently something's different with her. I think-I think maybe she is falling out of love with me, but she sometimes had this look in her eyes that she used to have when we first started dating. It's only the slightest little twinkle now but I'll take what I can get these days. Maybe I should talk to her best friend to see if there is something going on with her. Her best friend has always been there for Spencer and is not too bad in the befriend-your-best-friends-partner department either. We've had our share of arguments and the few rough patches but she has stuck with us and helped both of us through it all. I've never met someone so full of life and advice before and I never would've expected it from her. Now that I think about it I should call her, she hasn't been around much lately. She usually gets that way when she has a new play thing but it never lasts this long. I might have to squeeze some information out of her about it but she usually is pretty easy going and I can talk to her like one of my own friends. Sometimes she feels just like one of us but-I'll finish that thought later. Spencer's just arrived home. I'm on my way to lavish her with my love and let her tell me about her day.

-Aiden


	2. The Way That I Love You: Entry 2

It's Friday the 31st

I could die a happy man just from looking in Spencer's eyes. She's lying beside me in bed, almost asleep and her eyes are fighting sleep, it's so cute. She's had a long day. Work, shopping with her best friend and tonight we had dinner with her family. I have to admit it that I love every single one of them. I know it's hard to believe but I even grew to love her annoying brother Glen over the years, he does have some good moments I guess. Her dad and Clay are the best and it's almost disgusting how much her mom loves me. I mean truly loves me, maybe even more than Spencer. It's freaky sometimes. I'm in a blissed mood because of all the touches and kisses I received tonight. Spencer was especially affectionate with me. It caught me a little of guard since she has been so held back lately but it's all good with me. Just being with her like that tonight made me realize how much more I love her and how much I fall in love all over again just looking into her eyes. I wish I knew what was going on with her though. Maybe it's passed. I'm just so damn crazy about her. She's all I can think about. I almost stapled my finger together the other day while I was caught up in thoughts of her while at work. She's fallen asleep now. Her breathing has evened out and she is smiling. Maybe she's thinking of me. She is so cute. Sometimes she mumbles little words of love in her sleep. I'll never tell her about it because it's like a little piece of her that's only for me to hear. It's so easy to be in love with her. She-

"Ashley…" Spencer mumbles out breaking Aiden from his writing.

_"Okay weird. She did just go shopping but why is she dreaming of her."_ He thought to himself.

"mmmm…Ashley" Spencer moaned.

_"Now THAT has nothing to do with shopping!"_


	3. The Way That I Love You: Entry 3

It's been a week since I heard Spencer say her name in her sleep. I think a part of me died. I haven't written anything since then and I think I shut down from her a little since then. It could all be harmless. She does only mumble pieces of her dreams. Maybe she was eating a really good dish, maybe. I hope. I pray. I don't think I could live without her. Not knowing that someone else is loving her and she is loving them back just as much or more than me. I may be getting a little too ahead of myself but it seems as if she got happier as I started declining and moving further away from my normal self. Is she really not in love with me? Why would she pretend to be if she weren't? I know she wouldn't cheat on me. No I don't. She does have a past. But it's been so long. Have I been blinded by love to not see something right under my eyes? Is that why Ashley hasn't been around and why Spencer only has that slight twinkle in her eyes after she has just left her?

Too many questions that I can't answer by writing on this paper.

Yeah I've mentioned her past but not in detail. She's lied, she's cheated, she's broken hearts and had hers broken a handful of times but that was before me. She told me that she wasn't proud of everything in her past but she doesn't regret any of it because it made her a better person. The person she is today. The woman that holds my heart. Just a little note about that woman; she has only ever dated women before me. Yep, that's right, Spencer, my Spencer. She told me that she saw something special in me and from that day on we started building what I thought was the beginning of forever with each other. Until now. Now things have changed. I felt it was off but I didn't dwell on it. I never wanted to believe that this beautiful woman was not mine anymore and maybe it was just me being naïve.

-Aiden


	4. The Way That I Love You: Entry 4

This one actually has dialogue in it...

------------------------------

* RING * * RING *

"Spencer! Your phone is freaking out!" Aiden says from the bedroom.

"I got it!" she says walking towards the kitchen from the bathroom to where her phone was ringing and vibrating on the counter.

"What was that ringtone" Aiden asks looking up from his laptop and peering out of the bedroom door to talk to Spencer in the kitchen.

"It was a text. As far as the song, I couldn't tell you. It's one of those crappy songs Ashley likes. She must have changed my ringers yesterday while I was over there" Spencer says walking into the bedroom

"Oh, okay." He says and goes back to working on his laptop.

Spencer's phone rings again and she punches on the numbers to reply and then closes it. "Let's go for a walk" she says out of the blue.

"Umm…okay I guess. You spaz"

"Whatever, you love me." She says and walks back towards the bathroom.

_"She normally tells me how much SHE loves ME when I agree to her sudden outbursts like that"_

………………………………

Walking hand in hand through the park Aiden watches as Spencer stops to play with a large dog on a leash and make conversation with the owner who happens to be one of her co-workers.

Aiden lets his mind wander seeing as the conversation is boring him and they pretty much don't acknowledge that he's even there. Getting lost in the sight of Spencer he smiles just before his mind takes him back to that night. The night when everything started and he became insecure in the relationship that he thought was solid.

"Fucking dream" he mutters under his breath not even realizing that Spencer has finished her previous conversation and is walking slightly ahead of him as he drags behind.

"What dream? What are you talking about Aiden?" she looks at him confused.

"Nothing. It's nothing just thinking out loud."

"Apparently it is to have you acting all weird and skittish"

"It's just...the…the other night while you were sleeping I-I heard…" he trails off when he sees a figure walking towards them.

"Aiden, Focus! What's going on wi-" she was cut off by a pair of arms wrapping around her neck from behind and she tried to hide her grin but it was hopeless. "Hey Ash" she said pulling the girl to stand beside her with her right arm still draped over her shoulders.

"What's up babe" Ashley replied and this made Aiden furious. Sure she called Spencer that before, but the fact that he suspected they were more than just friends made his blood boil. "Hey boy, how've you been? We really need to catch up, it's been like forever" she continues as her bubbly self.

He just nods, "yeah, long time no see."

"Okaaaay. Did I interrupt something between you and Mr. chatty here?"

"Um actually yeah can you gives us just a minute?"

"Sure thing babe. I'll grab us all some cappuccinos from around the corner just meet me over there."

"It's okay, Ash I was just about to leave. You two go have fun."

"What about what you were telling me?"

"It's okay it can wait. I don't think I am fully ready to talk about it now anyway"

Spencer walks up to him and wraps her arms through his. "You sure? It seemed like it was bothering you and I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me about it."

"No, I'm fine just go" he said kissing her forehead while glancing at Ashley who was looking down at her feet and kicking a rock. "I'll see you when you get home."

"Okay." With that she walked away giggling and laughing with Ashley as she jumped on the smaller girls back.

_"That used to be us"_ Aiden sighed and walked towards their empty apartment alone.


	5. The Way That I Love You: Entry 5

I just got home from our spontaneous walk and now I wish I would have just stayed in. _Damn her and those eyes that can get me to do anything._ I can't even stomach Ashley right now, how sick is that. I had no idea that I would feel this way. Seeing the woman I love, in love with someone else. It fucking hurts. I know the looks and the smiles and glances only meant for certain eyes and unfortunately I am not on the receiving end. This isn't helping. Why the hell did I decide to start a journal anyway?

-Aiden

* * *

It's been a few days since I realized that my stomach and Ashley don't get along and I have been held up in my office playing the saddest songs over and over. Spencer just asks me if I'm okay and I tell her I'm fine and she goes to bed. It's been like that for the past two nights. I think maybe some new tunes will help me out of this funk a little. She's gonna start getting too suspicious if I don't come out of this soon.

Aiden walks over to the radio and turns it on flipping through the radio stations. After not finding anything good he just put on one of the preset stations and just waited through the commercials.

A promotion for a Fall Out Boy concert and a few car commercials later they got on with the music. Kinda girly music but I can work with this I guess. It can't hurt any, right.

Aiden laid back on the bed as the song played and let the words drift through the room.

**Lying here looking in your eyes  
Thinking 'bout what we did last night  
And How your family blew my mind  
Your touch to your tender kiss  
Couldn't take you breathing in my ear  
Just being with you made me realize**

**And every time I see you baby I fall in love over again  
So proud that you are my man  
And I still can't, can't get you out of my head  
You're all I've ever wanted and you just gotta know that**

**She cant do the things I do to you  
No one is loving you the way, the way I love you  
She can't be everything you need and what you need is me  
Cause its the way I love you**

**The way that I love you  
Love you the way I do  
The way, the way, the way I love you**

_Okay maybe this can hurt a little. That definitely isn't helping my funk._

He switches the station

**I got lost in the sounds  
I hear in my mind  
All of these voices  
I hear in my mind all of these words  
I hear in my mind all of this music  
And it breaks my heart  
And it breaks my heart  
And it breaks my heart  
When it breaks my heart**

**Suppose I never ever met you  
Suppose we never fell in love  
Suppose I never ever let you, kiss me so sweet and so soft  
Suppose I never ever saw you  
Suppose you never ever called  
Suppose I kept on singing love songs, just to break my own fall  
Just to break my fall  
Just to break my fall**

_Okay maybe turning on the radio wasn't a good idea._

He turns off the radio and leaves the confines of his office deciding that maybe he should go out and have a drink to take his mind off of things. He calls Spencer, leaving a voicemail that he is going out and not to wait up and showers and heads out.

Walking into the bar he instantly feels better. Just being away from a place that they share is a relief.

"Hey what can I get you" the bar tender asks as he sits at one of the stools.

"A shot of Patron and a rum and coke. Light on the coke."

"Trying to drown some stuff with these drinks I assume"

"Yeah. Something like that. I just need to clear my head and everything else I've tried hasn't worked so why not have a little fun and get a buzz with sorting it out."

"Here ya go" she says handing him the drinks. "I get off in a few minutes if you want some company or just someone to listen."

He thought about it for a moment. "Sure, it can't hurt. I could use a good ear to help me out I guess."

"Great. I'll see you in 10 then?" she says before she heads back behind the bar.

"Yeah. I'm going to go find us a table while I wait."

"Wow"

"I know."

"Do you really think that she would do that to you?"

"I have no idea. I know she loves me and-I'm just so confused. I don't know what to do or how to be with her anymore."

"Be yourself. Be the man she fell in love with and if that's not enough for her then it's her loss."

"But I love her. I don't think I can live without her."

"Oh hun. I understand but have you tried talking to her at least. You know, to let her know how you feel, maybe get a better stand on the situation."

"I tried earlier today but-but then _she_ showed up and I couldn't take it so I left them alone. I can't even look at _her_ or think about _her_ without get angry. It's so frustrating. I tried to relax and write and play music to clear my head but that just made it worse and I ended up here."

After a couple of hours of light conversation with Codi, the bartender, Aiden left feeling a little lighter. They talked about everything and nothing and he felt like a weight had been lifted. He walks out into the night and pulls his light jacket on as he makes his way to the car. He makes it all the way home when he realizes that he never turned the radio on. He was feeling much better and it was good to let it out and know that he would still be okay. Yes, he loved Spencer, but he can't make her fall in love with him if she wasn't already. That was something that Codi pressed into him and he was okay with that. He understood and as long as Spencer was happy he would be happy for her. He would be hurt that she kept this from him because they were friends first and he never wanted her to feel like she couldn't talk to him. Maybe that's how she and Ashley happened. She had gone to her for that comfort in conversation and confusion about us or what we used to be. He had to admit that they hadn't been fully committed to each other for awhile now and if her heart was with Ashley now then he would try and let her go the best he could.

Pulling into a parking space he gets out of the car and heads up to their apartment. When he gets close he hears music softly behind his apartment door and leans against it for a moment just listening. Reminiscing.

**But does she know that I love her?  
I'm swimming in my abyss of insecure blue, yeah**

**And I'm losing my head  
And I can't get no sleep  
But if I reached out  
Would you reach out for me, yeah**

**I'm knocked unconcious, walking on water  
Cause I'm thinking of you  
And don't you know that love's intoxicating and I need the abuse  
Because I'm endlessly falling  
You're my destiny calling what you're making me do  
It's all because I lose myself in you  
All because I lose myself in you  
All because I lose myself in you**

_"That used to be our song."_ he thought as the song continued.

**I don't wanna be invisible  
I just wanna be compatible  
Longing for something that can only be filled by you, yeah**

**Cause I'm fighting with my confidence  
Build up my courage, give myself a chance  
Because the only thing I think about is you**

**Do you know that I'm here?  
Do I even exist?  
I'd dance on velvet skies  
For just the thought of one kiss, yeah**

A single tear falls down his face and he wipes it away as he puts his key in the lock. He unlocks the door and walks into the apartment where two bodies are slowly dancing in one of the most enchanted and romantic embraces he's ever seen. The two are gazing into each others eyes, foreheads pressed together and are unaware of his presence.

_I can't help that I love her but she's in love with __**her**__._

* * *

**"The Way I Love You" by Tamia  
"Fidelity" by Regina Spektor  
"Lose Myself" by JC Chasez**


	6. Don't Ask Me To Stay: Entry 1

Waist deep in boxes there was an on-going search through the closet for the mate to her favorite pair of slippers. "Last one," she says and opens a box that was hidden amongst the many of the closet. "Old Faithful," she whispers to aloud pulling a leather bound notebook out and holding it to her bosom. She takes a moment and then walks out to her bedroom and places the notebook on the bed debating whether or not to open it. She paces a few steps, _there's a lot of history in this thing. I don't know if I can relive it. No, no, I am a grown woman and I am passed this. I need to face my fears head on._ She opens up the notebook and thumbs threw the first few pages, skimming through her own handwriting from her teenage years, all of her entries starting 'Dear O.F.' She reads about halfway through where the pages have been torn out. She fingers the spine of the notebook as if it would maybe make the pages reappear. _God all that time was so fulfilling but held so much pain beneath the surface._ Even though the pages where gone it didn't take away the exhilarating tingle that ran through her at the thoughts of falling in love and also running away from it. She held on to the memories for a few more moments and returned back to it's hiding place and head towards the kitchen just in time for the front door to burst open with her boyfriend barely holding on to their dinner and his briefcase.

"Hey" she says grabbing the bags from him.

"Hey, how was your day?" he asks taking off his coat and placing a gentle kiss on her cheek.

"Good I guess. The office has been pretty boring lately."

"Sorry to hear that, why didn't you just go hang out at the mall or something to relax.'

"The mall. Relax. Yeah right. You know I can't go to the mall alone and you were working and you know that going anywhere where Ash can have a shopping spree is anything but relaxing."

"True. How has she been lately, haven't seen her around much. Been busy I suppose."

"Yeah, she has been working on setting up her new office building and accommodating some new clients here. She is a busy woman. So…Let's eat, I'm starving!"

"Eager much? I swear you can out eat me and that's saying a lot. I grew up with 3 older brothers and we put it away"

"Yeah, yeah. I got the food, just grab some drinks, we can just watch one of the new movies that's On-Demand."

"Whatever you say boss, lady, ma'am" he says trying to salute and keep a straight face towards Spencer.

"You are such a dork." She says throwing a french fry at his head

"But you love me"

"Yes, that I do. Still doesn't make you any less of a dork."


	7. Don't Ask Me To Stay: Entry 2

_How the hell did I get stuck in this situation. I swear I said I had plans_

"God Ash come on. I have to be at my parents in like fifteen minutes."

"Calm down. I can get you there in five. Just one more store."

"Ashley! I want to get there alive. Drive now!"

"You suck"

"Actually, I don't." Spencer says snickering at the face her best friend made.

"Okay eww eww. I so don't care about what you do in your spare time. Gross."

"Oh you know you love it"

"Ugh. Just get out and walk the rest of the way I need to make my way home to go and puncture my ear drums now."

"Oh shush you" she says swatting her arm.

One store and twenty minutes later Ashley drops Spencer off at her parent's home.

"Sorry I'm late guys."

"Spencer!" Arthur yells making his way from the kitchen.

"Hey dad, how are you?" she asks hugging her dad's taller frame.

"Good. I'm glad to see you, I've missed you honey."

"Dad I just saw you last week."

"And that was a week too long" her mom says coming down the stairs "how's my favorite daughter?"

"I'm your only daughter" she says hugging Paula "and I'm good. You?"

"Good, starving." She replies rubbing her stomach.

Arthur rounds up the gang from the living room to head to the dinner table. "Okay guys Spence is here, let's eat!"

Aiden makes his way to Spencer from the living room and she grabs him into and embrace. Caught off guard, Aiden holds the hug a little longer than necessary because he has been missing this kinda of affection from Spencer for a while now.

_I know I have been neglecting him a lot lately and it's not his fault. I feel so bad._

With a kiss as an added bonus Spencer takes his hand and they sit next to each other at the dinner table. She keeps hold of his hand caressing it all through dinner and sending heartfelt glances his way all night.

_He is perfect. I really do love him._

…………………….

Today was freaking exhausting. All I wanna do is take a hot shower and dive under the covers. We make it home and Aiden practically carries me to the door and leads me into the bathroom and turns on the shower for me then kisses my forehead and heads off to work on his laptop in the bed. When I return smelling fresh I notice a notebook on Aiden's lap. I make a note of it and just cruise my way under the sheets and get comfortable quickly dozing into a light sleep. I can feel him watching me sleep. For some reason he likes to do that. It's not creepy really, he always tells me that he feels special when he gets to watch me sleeping and I don't argue with him I just let him have his simple pleasures. I am really fighting to keep my eyes open now. Lately I have been staying up later than Aiden because of what I know will come as soon as I see darkness. There are these images that play in my mind, pleasant, sexy, and NO! I'm supposed to be fighting the urges that are trying to burst through my slumber…

**I never knew a love  
A love that could be sweeter  
No matter what my mind says  
Your music gives me fever**

The place is packed with writhing bodies as I'm led to the center of the dance floor. Instantly I am pressed against a warm body. I can't see their face but it's someone familiar. We've danced together before…intimately.

**The moment that we danced  
Your arms felt like a cradle  
And when you took my hand  
I was no longer able**

God, this is amazing. I haven't danced this close in years. Grinding. Touching. Heated kisses on flesh. Rubbing. Whispers. Her body is sending me through the roof.

**It never felt so right before  
I need to be with you much more  
I can't believe this kind of fate  
We can runaway**

She? I turn in the persons arms to face them.

**Is it love…**

"Ashley..."

**I'm always in a spell  
Even when I'm sleeping  
You're always on my mind  
I hope that I'm not dreaming**

I have to be sleeping right now. This is a dream.

**If I am let me stay asleep  
Don't wake me up I feel complete  
I never want to feel it end  
What a lovely moment**

This can't be real. This is not right. Wake up, please wake up!

**Is it love…**

She leans in and captures my lips in a passionate kiss that is all too familiar. I haven't felt this since…

I wanna give you my love all the time  
I wanna make love to you all the time  
I wanna be right next to you all the time  
I wanna be in love with you all the time

"mmmm…Ashley"

**Is it love…**

I am shaken out of my sleep by Aiden moving off the bed and heading out of the bedroom.

_What the hell was that?!_

* * *

**"Is It Love" by iiO**

damts


	8. Don't Ask Me To Stay: Entry 3

It's been a week since I had that dream and sleep doesn't come easily for me anymore. I'm too afraid to relive those moments.

* RING * * RING *

"Spencer! Your phone is freaking out!" Aiden says from the bedroom.

"I got it!" yelling from the bathroom to the kitchen to where my phone is. My face lights up at the name, 'Ashley'.

"What was that ringtone" Aiden asks from the bedroom and I tell him something about Ash changing my ringtone when I saw here the other day. She sent me a text asking if I wanted to hang. I was gonna just lay around today but what the hell, I tell her to meet me near the park in an hour. Aiden goes back to playing on his laptop and I get another message confirming that she would meet me so I jump up asking Aiden to go for a walk with me. He agrees of course because I give him 'the face' and after a quick change we are out the door.

On the way I bumped into a colleague and I really didn't mean to get caught up in conversation but we did and shortly after Ash made her way over to us giving me and Aiden hardly no time to spent alone. After he gave some lame excuse Aiden headed back to the apartment and sent us on our way. I turned to him once before I reached where Ashley was waiting for me and he looked almost sad, depressed even.

Spencer's cell rings. "What could you possibly want now, I just left you not 10 minutes ago" she answers sarcastically.

"I just wanted to make sure you made it home okay…and to hear your voice. I sleep better when you're the last thing I hear."

"Well I'm glad to hear that but I'm standing at my door as we speak so I will talk to you tomorrow. Goodnight hun."

"Later babe."

She walks into the apartment and nothing seems to be moving. The apartment almost seemed stale. It's dark and quiet save for the faint sound coming from Aiden's office. Calling out was no use so Spencer just walked to the door and picks up her hand to knock…

**Love just got so complicated  
Wish that I could see her smile again  
So if you see her out there, tell her I'm still here  
Waiting for the day when she will reappear**

**Where did my baby go?  
I wonder where she ran off to  
I miss my baby so  
I'm calling but I can't get through  
Please tell that girl if you meet her  
That someone's longing to see her  
Where did my baby go?  
I wish that she would get back soon, get back soon**

**Maybe I was wrong and I ignored her for too long  
And I didn't even notice when she slipped away  
Maybe while I lay fast asleep then out into the night she creeps  
I'll leave the light on so she'll come back someday  
Oh if you see her out there tell her it's not fair  
And that life's just not the same when she's not here**

**Where did my baby go?  
I wonder where she ran off to…**

_Okay, seriously?! He has been playing that damn song for days. He's been acting all weird and skittish too. I wonder what's up with him. _

She lightly knocks on the door and nothing so she knocks a little harder and hears some movement. Aiden opens the door after a few more moments and silencing the music. "Hey, how was your day?" he greeted pulling her into a warm hug so she wouldn't see the sadness present on his face. "Okay I guess. Are you feeling okay, I've noticed the encore of this song over the last few days. Nothing's bothering you is it?" He breaks the hug and turns into his office, back into the dark. "No I've just…I don't know, I was just in the mood to hear this song. I hadn't realized I'd been playing it so much." "Oh okay then. You wanna go grab something quick for dinner. I've eaten already with Ash but if you wanna get something and hang out or whatever for a bit, maybe." He turned to his laptop mumbling something about how he wasn't hungry and didn't feel like going out for anything because he had some work to finish up so she just left him to it and walked to their bedroom with a quiet goodnight.

A few days later Spencer goes back into her closet to pull out 'Old Faithful'. Ever since that day she takes it out at least once every other day. But today was different. Usually she just glances at a few pages and puts it back, but today she had something on her mind...

Dear O.F.

I didn't mean to start writing in this stupid thing again but I can't go to Ashley or Aiden about this so I'll give you a shot.

After me and Aiden's walk the other day he mentioned something about a dream. It freaked me out because that was the same night I had one of my 'Ashley dreams'. I wonder if he knows. I wondered so much that it occupied my mind for hours, luckily Ash didn't poke at me about it because it would have been embarrassing. Why? Well, lately I have been having more of those not so 'friendly' dreams about her. I know that Aiden likes to watch me sleep but I hope I haven't led to him suspect anything other than a friendship between us. Because there isn't an 'us'.

-S

* * *

**"Where Did My Baby Go" by John Legend**


	9. Don't Ask Me To Stay: Entry 4

_The radio…I'll just turn that on. Maybe it will help me leave this place I'm at and calm down._

Dear O.F.

Today I think my body has gone through a car wash, a rollercoaster, and a 30 foot drop from a building. Ashley-Aiden-Ashley-Aiden-Aiden-Ashley-Aiden-Ash…confusion. That's what has been going through me all day. It's only mid afternoon but I feel like I have made no progress in my actual life today. I haven't touched my work, didn't bother turning on my computer, turned over my answering machine full of messages so that that red flashing number wouldn't taunt me, I haven't taken a single phone call, avoided all human contact and didn't leave my office for lunch because the thought of food made me nauseas. I am here, just sitting at the desk in my office. Hiding. Hiding from Aiden, hiding from Ashley, hiding from myself. I can't go back to that place again…I'm drifting into the past and I don't know if I hate her…it. I think I'm gonna have to talk to Aiden, and soon.

-S

Putting down her pen she rests her head on the chairs back to take in the presence of the music trying to drown her thoughts.

**If I could write I'd set all the words free to follow you  
Tell you wonder, tell you secrets and solitude  
I've had to let go of so much it's hard to hold on now  
Something far off is pulling me  
And when I go this time I don't think I'm coming back**

**Desire's the element that I can't fight  
Dream is the arm of God  
Girl's looking for themselves in your eyes  
I'm looking for you  
What's this supposed to be some kind of perfect  
I want more  
But when I go this time I don't think I'm coming back**

The song ended and she felt as if it made it more complicated than peaceful. "Damn song!"

_God I want so bad to run away from myself and the hell that is torturing my body. My head and my heart are feuding. My head is telling me that __**he**__ has been there for me through a lot of shit and my family just adores him. I honestly don't know where I would be without __**him.**__ This is so frustrating because on the other hand my heart tells me that __**she**__ is my everything. I have never wanted, desired, or felt the way I do about __**her.**_

* * *

**"If I Could Write" by Sam Phillips**


	10. Don't Ask Me To Stay: Entry 5

On the way home Spencer decides to pick up some Chinese take out. Aiden's not home and he hates Chinese food she thought 'why not spoil myself'. After ordering almost everything on the menu she heads home to the quiet apartment and sets all her food down and removes her jacket while flicking on the television. "Ugh, I hate the news." She goes to the bedroom and changes into some sweats and a cami to watch a movie but with nothing but terrible movies showing she just flipped to a random channel and found some random cartoons to watch. "Jeez, I feel like a big kid." After about half an hour of laughing her ass off she flips to a video channel. _I don't think I've watched a music video in ages._ she thought to herself and watched content for a few minutes before she felt a rumble in her bladder where she had be holding off going to the bathroom for too long. Too long actually. Running, she barely made it to the restroom. Upon returning she walks past the TV playing something by Stacie Orrico and goes to grab a beer from the kitchen. "Man, that girl has a beautiful voice."

**You take good care of me  
I really should be pleased  
I know you probably wont believe its not you, babe its me**

**I don't know why I don't love you anymore  
And though I try it's just not like it was before  
I wish that I had reason to be mad at you  
Then maybe I would not feel bad for leaving you**

**You may not like what I have got to say  
Baby I cant do this no other way  
My feelings for you boy just ain't the same  
Make this easy please  
Don't ask me to stay  
Please don't say you love me, I know you do  
Don't know why I'm not still in love with you  
My feelings for you boy just ain't the same  
Make this easy please don't ask me to stay**

At this point she sat down actually listening to the words of the song

**Maybe its life itself  
You know how these things go  
Maybe I've just grown out of you  
Maybe we'll never know  
I know sometimes I'll miss you  
This may just be my loss  
Though it may not seem that way  
Maybe we are better off**

**I don't know why I don't love you anymore  
And though I try it's just not like it was before  
I wish that I had reason to be mad at you  
Then maybe I would not feel bad for leaving you**

**I don't wanna live a lie no more  
How can I stay and not be sure  
I wanna be with you  
And I think you need to know the truth**

"The hell, this shit hits a little too close to home for comfort." She turns off the TV and heads to her room where that damn notebook is taunting her again.

Dear O.F.

I never meant for this to happen but I think I'm falling in love with my best friend…again. I'm mean of course we flirt with each other but that's common with girls. It's the way we function, just something we've always done. But lately when she compliments my appearance, calls me babe or when we greet each other with an embrace it makes my heart race and fills my stomach with butterflies. I'm never one to be flustered but she takes my breath away, always has. I never saw this coming.

My life was perfect. I have the perfect man that I love, my family loves him, the perfect best friend, ideal job, no signs pointed to falling in love anytime soon. I had a steady thing going then one day it's like a switch flipped to on and it presented me with the brightest light I've ever seen in my life. A light that shone, 'SHE'S THE ONE FOR YOU' in big, bold, outlined, bubble letters for the world to see. I have to admit that when she came back into my life it was unexpected but Aiden pushed me to make amends with her. I gave him the readers digest version of the whole story. I couldn't make myself tell him about our past 'relationship'. It hurt too much and it was my fault and it was something I wasn't prepared to deal with but life sometimes makes you deal with it and what can I say, she was the best. After we talked extensively about the past and got through many days of yelling, crying and just listening to each other, we could talk about anything. We got back to being each others better half. We never discussed 'us' as far as the future in any terms other than friendship because she knew I had Aiden and I thought that was fine. Yeah, well fine lasted for about seven months. We became close and even she and Aiden loved each other. It was weird at first having an old flame and a new in the same room but Aiden's lack of knowledge of the entire situation made things go over smoothly. My heart swelled at the fact that they became as close as they did because I loved them both and they were equally a big part of my life. That's before she was honored as being 'one of the guys'. She and Aiden hung out with his friends when I was busy or had outings with my mom. Ashley never said much about what they did, just that they drank and played pool. Aiden would come home some nights drunk and non-stop talking. That's one of his negative points, when he drinks he just goes on and on and on about nothing mostly. One night he stumbled in while I was still awake watching a movie. He sat with me on the couch ignoring the fact that the movie was even on and just started blabbering about nothing for about twenty minutes before my ears perked. He mentioned how Ashley had this hot blonde all over her that night and how she always gets the ladies over any of his guy friends when they go out. God, that hurt my fucking heart to hear, though it shouldn't. He mentioned that she never goes home with blondes. No matter how hot or how good the promise off more than friendly actions they were willing to give her. I don't know what I expected from her. She is human but I think I blocked that part of her life out. Not having to think about your ex-girlfr-your best friend with someone is the way I wanted it and now that it's pushed in my face I don't know how to respond to it. God, am I glad he was drunk off his ass or he would've seen the turmoil inside me.

Everything since then has been a slowly diminishing with me and Aiden. I have been clinging onto Ashley for dear life, making up excuses about how Aiden and I aren't working anymore. Some of the things I told her were simply to get a reaction from her. I wanted her opinion, she was the only voice that mattered to me but I would never admit it. The intimacy with Aiden was few and far apart. I starting spending more time at work or with Ashley and he allowed it to me, thinking that maybe I was going through something and just needed some space. He really is the perfect man. I just wish I wasn't in love with the perfect woman.

I love Aiden with my whole heart but I can't tell him that I'm not in love with him because I do love him so much and don't want to put doubt in his heart about what I feel for him. I feel so terrified to tell Ashley this but I know she knows. That's the one thing that never faltered about Ashley, she always knew me better than I knew myself and it scares the shit out of me.

-S

------------------------------

**"Don't Ask Me To Stay" by Stacie Orrico**


	11. Don't Ask Me To Stay: Entry 6

Putting away the notebook Spencer walks out of her closet and hears someone have a boxing match with her apartment door. At first it scares her but she hears a voice calling her name. "Spencer! Spence, I know you're in there I saw your car outside. Are you alive? Answer the damn door!" She runs to the door and unlocks it swinging it open and a flushed and panting Ashley.

"What the hell. Get in here before my neighbors have us evicted. Why are you abusing my fucking door?"

"Well-I-don't-know-if-you-noticed-or-not-but-wait" she says still panting, bent over trying to catch her breath from running up the stairs instead of waiting for the elevator that had just headed up as she entered the building.

With one big sigh she stands upright and collects herself. Then punches Spencer in the arm. "Ow you bitch, what the hell was that for" Spencer grabs hold of her arm and tenses up as Ashley lunges for her but pulls her into a deathly hug this time. "Ok, now I'm just confused. What's going on with you?"

"I have been calling you all damn day. Why haven't you answered? I stopped by your job and even they said they hadn't seen you since that morning. What's going on?"

Spencer turns away from her and goes to sit on the couch. "I just-I don't know."

"Spence, come on I know you better than that." She says sitting down next to the blonde placing her hand on her cheek to guide her face to look her in the eyes. "What's really going on in that pretty little head of yours?"

Spencer moves her hand away and bolts off the couch. "Ashley, don't. I can't do this."

"Do what? We aren't doing anything. I was just concerned abou-" she says staring intently at her best friend.

"Just stop okay!" Spencer yells cutting her off. "Ashley I care about you so much and it hurts that I have to do this..." she pauses "again." She turns away from the brunette.

"No, Spencer, no!" Ashley is on her feet and facing Spencer in a heartbeat. Lifting her chin with her index finger, "look at me Spencer. I'm not gonna let you run away from this again. I lost you once and I won't do it again, ever. You're my number one, babe. I will wait forever for you but I won't let you push me away and I won't let you run away from whatever this…" she says motioning between the two "is. I love you too much to just let you go."

Spencer stares into her eyes with tears about to break from here eyes and collapses into Ashley's arms sobbing. After about five minutes of calming her down, Ashley pulled Spencer from her body to look into her face. "Hey. You okay?"

"No, not really" she pouts and folds back into Ashley's arms for comfort but not crying this time.

"It's okay Spence, I swear. We're okay. Everything will be alright. Alright?" She says trying to smooth out the girls hunched over frame. "Here stay right here." Ashley lets go of her and walks to the stereo playing whatever's on. "How about a dance?" she says walking back and offering her hand to Spencer.

"Okay" she replies hoarsely.

**Just like a star across my sky  
just like an angel off the page  
you have appeared to my life  
feel like I'll never be the same  
just like a song in my heart  
just like oil on my hands  
Only to love you**

**Still I wonder why it is I don't argue like this with anyone but you  
we do it all the time blowing out my mind**

Spencer picks up her head from Ashley's shoulder to stare into her eyes.

**You've got this look i can't describe  
you make me feel I'm alive  
when everything else is a fait  
without a doubt you're on my side  
heaven has been away too long  
can't find the words to write this song of your love**

**Now i have come to understand the way it is  
It's not a secret anymore 'cause we've been through that before  
Fom tonight I know that you're the only one  
I've been confused and in the dark, now I understand**

Lost in every emotion they've ever held for each other Ashley gently places a kiss on the corner of Spencer's mouth, her cheek and forehead.

**I wonder why it is  
I don't argue like this  
with anyone but you**

**I wonder why it is  
I wont let my guard down  
for anyone but you  
we do it all the time  
blowing out my mind**

As the song fades Spencer removes her hands from Ashley's neck and grabs at the hands gripping her waist and intertwines them placing a kiss on the back each of her best friend's hands.

**Just like a star across my sky  
just like an angel off the page  
you have appeared to my life  
feel like I'll never be the same  
just like a song in my heart  
just like oil on my hands.**

----------------------------------------------------------------

The girls stayed like that completely transfixed with each other song after song.

"Spencer?"

"Yeah"

"What would you do if I told you how much I love you"

"Ash I-"

"No Spencer, I need you to know this because it's killing me to act as just your friend when I want more than that. I want this." She says placing her hands over Spencer's heart. "I love you Spencer Carlin. I am in love with you, always have been and always will be."

"I love you Ashley, so much. God, this song." She says as the next songs begins to play.

"Way to kill the mood but what's so wrong with this song. I actually like it."

"Ash, it's our song. Me and Aiden's"

"Oh, you want me to-"

"No, no, it's still a nice song. Just I-" she stops mid-sentence as Ashley starts to hum the song eventually singing directly to her as the chorus plays.

**I'm knocked unconscious, walking on water cause I'm thinking of you  
And don't you know that love's intoxicating and I need the abuse  
Because I'm endlessly falling, you're my destiny calling what you're making me do  
It's all because I lose myself in you  
All because I lose myself in you**

Lost in the song, held in the warmest embrace, staring in each others eyes again, foreheads pressed. Aiden forgotten. Only the two of them in that room, in that moment, no one else exists.

------------------------------  
**The End**

**"Like A Star" by Corinne Bailey Rae**  
**"Lose Myself" by JC Chasez**


	12. Love Songs: Entry 1

This one is gonna be a bit bumpy. As I was reading this over I realized that I had ADD and I have lyrics, diff. person perspectives, flashbacks and etc. in this installation. Bare with me as I edit my ass off to make this work.

_In general though, Ashley's thoughts will be in italics._

* * *

January 2007

_A new year, a new beginning. I love my life, I love my job. I'm doing what I've always wanted as a producer and I've just signed artist Nicole Scherzinger from the Pussycat Dolls for her solo effort. The girl is amazing. If you could hear the roar I can right now you'd know what I was talking about. She's just stepped off stage and they want more of her. The girl is hot._

_I'm on a high, we've done well and I'm elated and ready to go celebrate. That was before my world was turned upside down only a few moments out of her dressing room backstage._

"Alright, I'll see you guys later. Nicole are we having lunch tomor-OH MY GOD!"

_That was the second time I think my heart has ever stopped. There she stood just the way I remember. Older, hair more blonde but still gorgeous, and bright blues eyes with the same shock and amazement in them that I'm sure I'm sharing with her._

"Spencer," it was almost a whisper.

_I have never hated anyone as much as I hated Nicole in that moment. _

"Hey Ash, tomorrow should be fine what ti-" _I heard nothing more of what she was saying. All I knew was that the in front of me was the girl I loved and I was saying nothing._

"I have to go." _Her voice is still beautiful. That husky tone, it still makes me weak. Huh, she's leaving? What, wait, I didn't, is she really…_ "Spencer, wait!" _I didn't notice the tall brunette she was with until he was blocking my way to Spencer._

"I can't do this. Ashley please just-I-I have to get out of here. Aiden can we go please"

"But please, can we just talk"?

"No! We can't, I'm sorry but I really have to go."

"Spencer, just-I-please." I take a card out if my wallet and hand it to her. "Please just-just think about it."

"Fine. I have to go." With that she walked away in the arms of someone else. A man. _I thought this has to be one of the best and worst days of my life. I just walk to my car and cried. It could have been minutes, hours, days, I don't know but everything I had in me was temporarily gone. Nothing else mattered for those moments that I looked back into her eyes._

My cell buzzed. A text.

---From---  
**Unknown**

---Message---  
**In time, Ashley. I can't right now but just give me time.**

A smile. _Time. I can do that. I have nothing but time. How much time is she talking. Who cares, she's willing to try, that's all I can ask._

---------------------


	13. Love Songs: Entry 2

_It was weeks before I ever heard anything else from Spencer. When she did call it was made clear that she was doing it because her boyfriend pushed her to._

_To say I could explain everything that happened over the next few conversations we had would be like going through a tornado willingly. It all was a blur or hurt, anger, sadness. We cried, we talked, we yelled, but most importantly we listened. Even though I loved her, I never forgave Spencer for how things happened. I told her she was a coward and she agreed. Our departure was anything but bittersweet and we've both drastically changed since then. After many battles between us we agreed to never let anything tear us apart again. We were best friends and we were going to try to get back to that place again in a new surrounding and as new people. The only topic that wasn't laid out on the table was 'us'. Not the past not the way we were but the future 'us' other than a friendship. At the time I didn't know whether to be relieved or sad about it._

* * *

May 2007

_We became better than ever. Best friends, hanging out, having a blast. I really have to say that I missed her family. Mr. C was like a breath of fresh air and I have to say that I think he was just as happy to see me as I was to see him. That made me feel freaking fantastic. Every moment in the beginning was spent together. We were inseperable. If you called one the other was not far off. I loved every second of it until one day something changed._

_It wasn't a distinct thing, well for me it was but I'm sure Spencer didn't even noticed it or that she was doing it. One of the things I've always loved and hated about Spencer is her jealousy. It's a bad thing but she says she can never feel it. Anyway, one day we were having lunch and our waiter, Bev, was particularly interested in my clothes, or lack there of. She was blatanly staring at my cleavage and she came to check on us way too often and kept pulling me into conversation practically inviting herself to the table and dismissing Spencer's presence. I played it up and I never thought anything of it, this girl could have had potential in other aspects of my life. I have to keep my networking skills on point, or so that's what I told Spencer when she gave the girl the icyest glare when she slid me her phone number with the bill. I was a little confused about it but chalked it up to her being peeved that we couldn't spend our quality time together uninterrupted. That doesn't mean it didn't make my blood boil over that she had that look in her eye that always let me know that I was hers and anyone, male or female, should back off. But I'm not hers anymore and won't let my hopes up to me being that to her ever again._


	14. Love Songs: Entry 3

_Ashley's thoughts_

**Lyrics**

_**Flashback**_

* * *

_I found something today. A letter. The pages are fresh in my mind like it was yesterday._

_After that day everything was always quiet. Spencer was a constant welcomed clatter and she kept the house full of laughter among other things. Then again she probably knew the ins and outs of my empty house better than myself. I never felt alone with her there. It was safe, comfortable, and it felt like a home. Up until the day I left for the last leg of my tour._

_Spencer had been distant and aloof the entire time I was home. Three days and she never once looked me in the eyes. It unnerved me to no end leading to my world falling apart as we reached the airport terminal for my departure. _

* * *

_**"Ashley I can't do this anymore."**_

_**"Do What? This. You mean us. Spencer please." I'm not one for begging but this cannot be happening. I thought we were forever.**_

_**Backing away from the brunette, "No, I just-everything is hectic right now. You're touring and I never see you Ashley."**_

_**"Spencer we talked about this. You told just last week you were okay with this. We talk everyday and you always say you're okay and I can tell when you're lying to me." Moving closer to the blonde, "what's really going on in that pretty little head of yours?"**_

_**"Ash, it's-I can't. Not anymore. Everything is not okay. I need more than this. Phone calls and emails are not enough. This isn't working the way I planned. You said you'd only be doing this until the end of summer and I accepted that but this, I can't. Another what, month, year, I can't not see you like this Ashley. It's too hard. You're my life and it kills me to not have you here."**_

_**I'm frantically searching for the right words, "Spencer you know this is my dream. I love you more than anything. Please you don't know what you're saying. We can work through this." Stopping to swiftly grab Spencer's hands in her own. "Come with me."**_

_**"What? No!"**_

_**"Why not? Come with me. This is not how it's supposed to be."**_

_**"You're right. You're supposed to be with me. Here! Not calling from some beat down tour bus in the middle of nowhere. What about school. We had our lives planned Ashley. What happened to that?"**_

_**"Plans change Spencer. This-this is what I've wanted my whole life and you just-you can't run away like this"**_

_****Final boarding call to Tampa, Florida****_

_**Picking up her carry on from her feet. "I have to go Spencer. Please tell me that you will be here for me when I return."**_

_**"I-I'm sorry Ashley. I can't tell you that right now." Trying to hold the unshed tears she pulls out a folded piece of paper from her back pocket. She places a lingering kiss on the envelope and places it in my hands and turns to leave. "I've-I have to go. I can't-just-I love you, always-Bye Ashley."**_

_To say I broke down is an understatement. I barely made it to my seat my eyes were clouded and tears covered my face the entire flight. Thank God there wasn't anyone seated next to me. I don't think I could deal with having to try using words and making them seem coherent at that point. Tried to open the paper she handed me but I couldn't see the words clear enough but I seemed to make out a few words…lyrics._

Opening the letter the words come falling back into my head.

**The smell of your skin lingers on me now  
You're probably on your flight back to your home town  
I need some shelter of my own protection baby  
Be with myself and center clarity, peace, Serenity**

**I hope you know, I hope you know  
That this has nothing to do with you, it's personal  
Myself and I, we've got some straightening out to do  
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket  
But I've got to get a move on with my life  
It's time to be a big girl now  
And big girls don't cry**

**The path that I'm walking I must go alone  
I must take the baby steps til I'm full grown  
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending do they  
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay**

**But it's time for me to go…home**

_That house was never the same again. Everything was cold and held no warm fuzzy feelings like they used to the second I stepped into it again after I returned from the tour a few months later. With all the touring and crazy life I was living I didn't have time to spend drawing in sorrow but back where my past lay in that big empty house, I had nowhere to run._

* * *

**Big Girls Don't Cry-Fergie**


	15. Love Songs: Entry 4

_Everything changed that day. My all was Spencer and I tried in every way I could to let her know I was there and I wouldn't let go._

_My away message on Y! messenger read: __**'I want you to know that I feel your pain and I'll do anything in this world if I can feel your love again'.**_

_I change my call tone to: Relax, Take It Easy by Mika in case she ever got the nerve to call. Not that I could ever answer. It'd be like playing a trick on my mind to hear her voice knowing she's not mine and I wouldn't end the call with an 'I love you' but a 'goodbye'._

_I wish she didn't know my address back then._

_More letters came as time passed. Many in the form of lyrics and the words that Spencer felt but weren't really hers. Just about every week and a half or so there was a new letter, Spencer scented and sealed with my name on it._

* * *

_August 21, 2002_

**I think about the day I met the perfect stranger, I think about us  
And I think about the day I got wrapped around your fingers, I think about us  
The sun was shinning on you  
The lord was smiling on me  
And love was calling us I had my mind made up.**

**Never thought I'd ever love any one else in my weakness, I think about us.  
I think about the way we laughed without a reason, I think about us girl.  
There will be no more lies  
Somebody tell me why I feel like I'm dying.  
Lord what's come over me  
Ohh baby can't you see**

**And I can't stop loving you  
I can't help myself  
And I can't get over you  
No matter what I tell myself baby.**

_I read each letter like a fool, making my heart hurt even more. They just made me feel worse. Knowing the she truly loved me and just ran._

* * *

_September 2, 2002_

**Nothing can make you high  
Or put fire in your eyes  
Or give you a chance to fly  
When you need the wings  
When all that youve got is doubt  
And nothing can stop you from feeling down  
But oh I know, I know exactly how you feel**

**But can you believe now  
When youre on your knees now  
Begging and pleading now  
Can you believe  
When all that youve got is doubt  
And no one to pull you out  
When your heart is slowin down  
Can you believe**

**See the person I love the most  
Is so far away tonight  
And no other medicine or promise is  
Gonna heal me up right  
But I got to believe  
That her and me  
Will be together  
Cause thats all I got  
And Oh, I know  
When youre down at the bottom  
Can you believe**

**Can you believe when all hope seems gone  
When your mother and father cant keep you safe from harm  
Can you forgive in your heart  
Can you ask for forgiveness  
When nobody else believes can you believe  
Can you believe in yourself**

_That one almost made me drop everything and run to find her and never let go again._

_After it got to the point where she knew I would never respond the letters and they changed to more of an 'I'm sorry' approach, more than an 'I still love you.' _

_

* * *

_

_September 12, 2002_

**I think I know just what you're going through**

**I know it's hard holdin on  
Even harder trying to let it go  
And so you're frozen like a stone  
But you are not alone**

**Every step I take I get a little less afraid  
Of giving in to love, let it out  
Believe me when I say it gets better every day  
Once you get used to the pain**

_See what I mean. I love the girl to death but she'll never know a pain like mine. It's her fault we're this way but no matter what I could never have anything but love for her._

* * *

_September 24, 2002_

**"My Apology"**

**Karma usually comes wearing a stranger's light  
it's easier to deal with that way  
but now it's you  
I've hurt you, disrespected you  
it's nowhere to hide, no turning back  
no rearrangement, only what lies ahead,  
and you're so heaven sent**

**I know you're feeling hurt because of what I did to you  
If it's blame I'll take it baby, we will make it through  
Cause I love you**

**I'm sorry for giving you the cold shoulder  
(Never been this wrong before. Never stood my ground and breathed it in before)  
All I wanted to do is hold ya  
(Never felt so brave and so afraid before Never faced alone and felt a peace before)  
With tears in my eyes I come to you sincerely  
(Accepting this space I'm in Growing outta the phase where I just wanna win)  
You act as though you don't even hear me**

**I love you…**

**Growth,  
I released my grief. It was a heavy load  
Survived this sleep and now I'm letting go  
Waking up and living up to what I had proposed  
A woman now, I loved the girl I used to be  
Every step she took was reaching out to me  
Every breath is blessed, responsibility, I made it baby**

**I can't control your feelings  
I can't take back what I've done  
With my hand on my heart  
I'm coming to you sincerely**

**Baby I'm sorry...**

**Think about it  
We know better but um, love has no expectations  
That's why I don't expect you to do anything**

**Think about it  
This is for me and I'm offering this to you  
To free myself cause I know what I have to do  
This is my apology**

**Think about it babe…**

* * *

**"I Can't Stop Loving You" by Kem  
"Can U Believe" by Robin Thicke  
"Used To The Pain" by Keith Urban  
"My Apology" by Floetry**


	16. Love Songs: Entry 5

_After a while I stopped receiving the letters. It was a good and bad thing. It's probably just my over imaginative mind but I made up all kinds of silly scenarios. From Spencer running off to Mexico and falling in love with a cabana boy or girl to her mother making her go into the ministry and swear to never contact me again. I know that evil bitch is part of the reason Spencer feels the way she does. She's so un-accepting and judgmental. Of course I can relate, every little girl wants to look up to and be like her mommy. Spencer has too much faith in that woman and unfortunately puts the happiness of her mother before her own. I just wish things would've been different and I had the love of my life back in my arms._

_After about a month or so something came for me in the mail. It was no return address, name of who it was from or anything. I almost didn't open it and I sometimes wish that I hadn't. That was the last thing I ever read or opened and I swore I'd never open it again or anything else addressed from her again._

_Something this time was different. There was still the expected song but there was a letter as well. I scanned the lyrics, already knowing them by heart._

* * *

_October 16, 2002_

**How could time be standing still and pass so slowly, yet goes by so fast  
Strange but true, when I'm with you  
And every little step I take while I'm away from you baby  
Everything that I do is leading me back to you  
Because…**

**When we're all alone  
You take my breath away  
When you hold me close  
You take my breath away  
When we're making love  
You take my breath away  
Somehow I know this is the love that I've been missing**

**I feel like I'm frozen in time whenever your lips meet mine  
Every time you touch me I go out of my mind  
The passion I see in your eyes has got me more than hypnotized  
Renders me defenseless girl  
I don't know what you do to me baby**

**Inside your love I lose control when we're kissing and hugging  
It's hard to express how I feel but what I feel is definitely real  
There's no need for me to try to conceal my love for you girl  
My heart just can't keep still**

**You take my breath away…**

_If I took the time to actually read the words I'd be a sopping mess. It's her song for me. She always said that to me, __**'you take my breath away.'**__ Never once have I ever wanted a wish granted so badly, just to hear her say that to me again._

_Still a few tears shed I read the letter beneath in her perfect handwriting and signed with a kiss at the bottom._

_**Ashley, no words can express the way I feel for you or the love I have for you. The things I said when I walked away were lies. You know I love you with my whole heart but there are things that I'm afraid of and I can't deal with right now. I can never expect you to forgive me but I have to take care of myself the best way I know how. I'm going to focus on me and go through my schooling like I planned. I will never forget you, remember that, but right now I can't love you the way you love me. Everything in my body screams at me to run, run to you, run away from the world, but I won't. My heart lies with you wherever you are right now but I just can't be with you the way we were. One day I hope to be as passionate and caring and wonderful as you have become. Don't forget us, ever, but don't hold back from letting your love be shown. You are an extraordinary person and I may someday regret this but right now this is what I feel is what's best for me. Goodbye.**_

_**All my love,**_

_**Spencer**_

---------------

**"Take My Breath Away" by Jesse Powell**


	17. Love Songs: Entry 6

_I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. I was like a fucking immobile zombie just taking up space._

_That day I wrote a song. I put my all into it and recorded it that night. It was one of those things where you can't escape but could never pull yourself to let anyone else hear it kind of moments. It was more of a healing process for me. Something I had to do. I think about sending a copy of every song I write to Spencer for her approval first. This wasn't one of those times. This was something she couldn't be a part of. In a dark secluded booth I worked for a few hours just getting it all out._

**I'm not the type to get my heart broken  
I'm not the type to get upset and cry  
Cause I never leave my heart open  
Never hurts me to say goodbye  
Relationships don't get deep to me  
Never got that whole 'in love' thing  
And someone can say they love me truly  
But at the time it didn't mean a thing**

**My mind is gone, I'm spinning 'round  
And deep inside my tears I'll drown  
I'm losing grip, what's happening  
I stray from love, this is how I feel**

**This time was different  
Felt like I was just a victim  
And it cut me like a knife  
When you walked out of my life  
Now I'm in this condition  
And I've got all the symptoms  
Of a girl with a broken heart  
But no matter what you'll never see me cry**

**Did it happen when we first kissed  
Cause it's hurting me to let it go  
Maybe cause we spent so much time  
And I know that it's no more  
I shoulda never let you hold me baby  
Maybe why I'm sad to see us apart  
I didn't give to you on purpose  
Can't figure out how you stole my heart**

**My mind is gone, I'm spinning round  
And deep inside my tears I'll drown  
I'm losing grip, what's happening  
I stray from love, this is how I feel**

**This time was different  
Felt like I was just a victim  
And it cut me like a knife  
When you walked out of my life  
Now I'm in this condition  
And I've got all the symptoms  
Of a girl with a broken heart  
But no matter what you'll never see me cry**

**How did I get here with you I'll never know  
I never meant to let it get so personal  
And after all I tried to do to stay away from loving you  
I'm broken hearted I can't let you know  
And I won't let it show  
You won't see me cry**

**This time was different  
Felt like I was just a victim  
And it cut me like a knife  
When you walked out of my life  
Now I'm in this condition  
And I've got all the symptoms  
Of a girl with a broken heart  
But no matter what you'll never see me cry...**

_Ironically, I cried during the session. It felt liberating. I felt less like a walking corpse and more like a person again. Now I only had to let my mind believe it was worth it to feel alive again without her._

---------------

**"Cry" by Rihanna**


	18. Love Songs: Entry 7

_I didn't send that song to Spencer but the one and only thing I ever took the time to put to paper were true through and through and she knew it. I didn't put a return address, I typed it instead of hand writing it. It felt too personal to write it by hand and I didn't want to make things any worse than they already were. Just simple Arial font, no bold letters, what I felt from my heart with someone else's words. _

**"Smile"**

**I've been thinking 'bout us for a while  
And I've realized something just now  
I've never known anyone like you that loves as deep as you do  
Now that I've felt your love I can't let go  
We've both done crazy things  
But never have I changed the way I feel**

**I try to but I can't let you get away  
I'll do anything but you gotta say that you'll never stray  
Cause I can't live without your smile**

**If you'll let me be your one and only  
I'll change anything you want  
Can't live without your smile**

**Tell me what I gotta do to make you see  
This life ain't worth living if there is no you and me  
Nothing can compare to us when we're a pair  
And I can't imagine or fathom my existence without you**

**You bring out the good in me  
And in your eyes all I can see is you and me…**

_I don't know if she ever got it. Not like it really mattered. She still never came back to me._

-----------------

**I have no idea who sings this song but if you know, please let me know so I can credit it. All I know is it was titled "Smile" and it says it was produced by Vex.**


	19. Love Songs: Entry 8

_I've been held up in my apartment for hours reminiscing and thinking. I remember when we first met. I would say it was just like yesterday but that's not true because she'd be sitting here and I wouldn't have to be thinking of happy moments we once shared._

_**It's right after lunch and I'm hanging in the quad with my group of friends talking and laughing. We've never been the type to rush to class after the last lunch bell rang. Let's just say we all took late lunches. We've been trying to figure out who's doing what this weekend and if there are any parties we need to make an appearance at. After everything is settled we plan on crashing this new kid's party that's going on Saturday night.**_

_**Deciding it might be nice to show up to at least one of my classes for the day I head to History. I know, yawn, but it's actually one of the few classes where the teacher actually knows what he's teaching and makes it fun to learn stuff about old people and whatnot.**_

_**"So meet at my house after school?" Erin asks walking off towards our classes.**_

_**"Yeah we ca-" I drift off topic "hey, yo, slow up, who is that?" I say pointing at a hot blonde I've never seen before.**_

_**"Who?"**_

_**"Her," I say still pointing her out, "the hot blonde walking with Chelsea."**_

_**"She's the new chick. I think she's the sister of the guy who's throwing the party Saturday."**_

_**"Really, I definitely have to go now."**_

_**"Wait a sec though, I think she's all cheerleader and pep squad material though."**_

_**"And has that ever stopped me before?"**_

_**"No but, you know what never mind, and hey look she's apparently in your next class. She just walked into Mr. Dunn's room. Don't you have him right now."**_

_**"Yes I do. So I guess it's time to make a first impression, you know fashionably late. Better late than never right? I'll catch you when school's over." I say jogging off in the direction of the classroom checking myself out in my mirror on the way.**_

_**"Later"**_

_**-----**_

_**Okay so my fashionably late entrance was not so fabulous. I pretty much almost fell on my ass on my way into the door. To further my embarrassment I noticed the hot blonde was sitting in my seat, meaning I'd have to speak to her. I ignored the teachers comment and tell him that I'll see him for detention after school. 'Yeah right.' Anyway, so I walk right up to my desk where she's sitting, "so would you like me to just use your lap or would you like to move out of my seat?" She's had her head down in her bag up until then. She looks up to me 'She totally just checked me out.'**_

_**"Excuse me?" she says.**_

_**I just smirk, "you're in my seat."**_

_**"Oh, sorry." After a few seconds I notice she hasn't made moves get out of the seat.**_

_**I quirk my eyebrow at her and she pats her knee motioning for me to sit. "I guess I'll have to take your offer. I don't know if you've noticed but all the seats are taken."**_

_**'Did she really just say that?'**_

_**"Yes I did."**_

_**"I said that out loud didn't I?"**_

_**"I'm afraid so. So you gonna sit or you just gonna stand there with your crotch in my face all class period? Not that I mind it too much." My eyes go wide at the last part. I know she whispered it so I'm pretty sure no one but me heard it but seriously, is she trying to kill me. I don't even know her name yet.**_

_**"I'm gonna just, uh, yeah" I kinda just fumble through that and grab a chair from the back of the room to sit in. It's not like I brought any books with me so I just have to focus on staying awake for another forty-five minutes. As I'm bringing the chair back down she motions me over to share her book and desk space.**_

_**Turns out, her name is Spencer. She just moved here from Texas with her parents and two brothers. We talked the entire class period and fortunately only got fussed at once by Mr. Dunn. I personally think he just gave up after the first attempt so we took advantage of it. The bell for class exchange rings and I decided that I'm definitely gonna have to start coming to class more often now. She puts up her books and we walk out the door.**_

_**"So"**_

_**"Yeah, so, I guess I'll see you tomorrow night at your party."**_

_**"What party?"**_

_**"Ha, yeah, well apparently one of your brothers in throwing a party tomorrow night."**_

_**She sighs, "Glen is such an ass. He's gonna get us both in so much shit with our parents if they find out."**_

_**"I promise we won't break anything." I say laughing at her flustered look. "How do you know it's even Glen throwing the party?"**_

_**"Cause Glen's an ass and would do something stupid like this with our parents leaving and besides Clay is all responsible and probably knows nothing about the party and as soon as he finds out he will be going to stay at a friends or his moms house for the night."**_

_**"Wait, I thought you said your parents were going out of town."**_

_**"Oh, yeah they are. Clay's our adopted brother. His mom lives out here now. She wanted to get to know him better so we all moved out here about the same time. Speaking of there he is now," she says waving at a nice looking black guy. "He's my ride so I guess I'll see you later then."**_

_**"Yes you will. Can I" I trail off not knowing if I should really ask for her number yet. Before I knew it she was walking away right after she placed a slip of paper in my fingers. She turned once she got to the car and smirked at my disappointed look and mouthed 'call me.' I looked at the piece of paper she gave me and it had her number on it. 'score for Davies!'**_

_**-----**_

_**It's been three days since I first saw her and I can't get this girl out of my head. It's not like she's everywhere I turn but her smile has been running through my mind since she looked at me three says ago. It's Sunday night and I'm lying here in bed thinking about her.**_

_**Saturday night was one of the best nights I've had in a long time and I wasn't even tipsy. As a matter of fact I didn't drink at all. I didn't want to make an ass of myself in front of Spencer and I also wanted to try and keep my promise that none of my friends would break anything if they got too rowdy. To say I wanted to impress this girl is an understatement. I made Erin go to the mall Friday after school and shop for a new outfit while I gushed about Spencer the entire time. She was so sick of me but I guess me having a focus on Spencer meant I wasn't out being a slutacious whore so she put up with it, until I started talking about how pretty our babies would be. She stopped me there. I think I may have freaked her out. I mean me, Ashley Davies, with a kid. Not possible, but I don't know what it was about this girl but she made the impossible seem possible and effortless to achieve.**_

_**Back to Saturday night. I was actually a little early because Spencer and I were gonna hang out and have an early dinner before the ruckus started. We just chatted and talked about her life in Texas, how she was liking the move and adjusting to LA and I told her about all my doofus friends. I was totally infatuated with this girl and that never happens to me. I've had exactly one long term relationship and that was only about four months long but I already could see myself falling for this girl.**_

_**About an hour before the party was supposed to start she showed me to the guest quarters to get ready and she scurried off to her room to dress. I showered and forgot that my bag was still up in her bedroom so I wrapped up in a soft towel and peeked out of the door for anybody in the living room. With the coast clear I jetted up the stairs and heard the shower running and her door slightly ajar so I just let myself in to grab my bag and on my way back out I caught a glimpse of her in just her undergarments and about fainted right there on the spot. What made it worse is that she caught me in the mirror she was standing in front of and just winked at me. 'I told you this girl is trying to kill me slowly.'**_

_**After that debacle I felt hot all over every time Spencer looked my way during the night. I mean come on she was half naked and in some of the sexiest underwear I've ever seen. I was getting bored with the partygoers because of my lack of intoxication. I started to head towards the guest room to just lay down for a while when someone caught my arm.**_

_**"Hey, you having a good time?"**_

_**"It's okay. I'm actually kind of bored now. I was just gonna go lie down for a bit."**_

_**"Nuh unh" she said shaking her head and pulling me towards the makeshift dance floor. "Dance with me."**_

_**-----**_

_**Five songs later I literally had to fake dizziness to get off the dance floor with Spencer. I was feeling a little lightheaded but truth is, I was so turned on that if she ground into my hips once more I probably would've been mush in her hands soon after.**_

_**She took me too sit down and brought me a bottle of water from the kitchen with a smirk on her face. "What's that look for?" I asked.**_

_**"What look?"**_

_**"The 'I'm in on something that you're not in on' look with that sexy smirk of yours."**_

_**"Sexy huh?"**_

_**"Very." I say leaning my head on her shoulder as she sits next to me on the double lounge chair.**_

_**After a few minutes of watching everyone else make fools of themselves all around the house and switches back to us,"so you okay to dance some more," she asks looking down at me.**_

_**"No!" I exclaim, sitting up abruptly. "I mean, no. No, I'm good."**_

_**"Why, scared I'm too sexy for you?"**_

_**"Yeah, actually. I can't take much more of that without wanting to take you up to your room and have my way with you."**_

_**"Really. How do you figure I'm not trying to seduce you and have my way with you?"**_

_**"I wouldn't doubt that at this point and I totally wouldn't mind, AT ALL."**_

_**"Okay just one more dance. I promise I'll be good and we can go veg out in my room and watch movies til everyone leaves."**_

_**"Deal" I say as she stands and takes my hand.**_

-----

_God, I need to get out of here. The one thing I always told myself was that I'd never look back at high school and want to have to go through that again but a small part of me is slipping into the way things were, the way things aren't now and how I wish they could be again_


	20. Love Songs: Entry 9

_I'm normally the calm and very cool laid back person but Spencer changed all that. God, the teasing I went through. My friends sure got a good laugh anytime I zoned or if Spencer was around. I was a stumbling, mumbling, rambling fool around this girl and no one ever rattled me, like EVER. She never paid them any mind though and she told me I was cute which did nothing but make me blush. Blush is not a good color on me, it only served for embarrassment._

* * *

Flashback

*Beep Beep Beep Beep*

"Ugh, I stupid school, stupid alarm, stupid, stupid, stupid." To say that I hat mornings is an understatement.

Slowly waking up I turn on my iPod and blast it through the room. No reason to be quiet, I'm pretty sure mommy dearest is nowhere near this house.

A smile graces my face at the song that's playing. I walk into the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth.

**I put your picture on my mirror  
Start to blush when somebody says your name  
In my stomach there's a pain  
See you walk in my direction, I go the other way**

**I start to stutter when I speak  
Try to stand, but my knees go weak  
What's happening to me  
In the Dark, can you tell me what it means**

Mouth full of foam, I start making awful faces at myself in the mirror.

**I lay my head on my pillow  
I'm starring out the window  
Wish on a star for a sign  
What's the reason why**

I start to belt out the song, singing around the toothbrush.

**You're always on my mind  
When you come around I get shy  
Baby when I see you  
When I see you**

Spitting out the toothpaste and smiling I finish singing loudly.

**Never know when you might walk by  
So I gotta be right on time  
When I see you  
Baby when I see you**

By this point my toothbrush has become my microphone and I'm auditioning for American Idol in my bathroom. All of a sudden I hear clapping, song completely forgotten when I see who's standing before me.

"Well that's just hot. I gotta say a solid 8.5 on a scale of 1 to 10. You're definitely Hollywood material."

"Jesus Christ! You scared the shit out of me. What are you doing here and how did you get in?"

"I have my ways."

"You're starting to creep me out with all your cryptic shit Spence."

"Whatever, you love it."

"Maybe a little." I realize that I'm still not presentable and rush to shut the bathroom door to finish up and get changed for school.

"Hey Ash, I gotta say I love the bed hair!"

"God, I can't believe you saw me like that. I'm supposed to be all hot and mysterious and you see me before I can put my face on."

"Trust me its okay. You're still just as beautiful, Ash."

"Ugh, you're just saying that to get in my pants." I say emerging from the bathroom all fresh and looking good enough to eat.

"Well what can I say; I've always been a fan of morning sex. So wha'dya say, you up for a roll in the ol' sack?"

I walk over to where she's sitting at my desk chair and bend to grab my messenger bag hanging on the back of it and walk out of the room shaking my head. 'I swear that girl was made just to throw me off my game.'

Not long after a blonde head of hair is rushing past me on the staircase and opening the front door for me. I blush and offer a small thanks and head to my car.

"So, how 'bout you really thank me by giving me a ride to school this morning?"

"Oh, I'm sorry Spencer My car can only fit two and the three of us won't fit in here. Guess you're walking." I say getting into the car.

"Three" she says actually counting on her fingers, "you're either delirious or you seriously need to go back and learn your numbers from grade school."

"Oh, I can definitely count. Top of my calculus class here."

"Okay then where are you getting this imaginary third person from?"

"I'm definitely not imagining anything. I was referring to you, myself, and your over-sized ego," I say with a smirk.

She just laughs and hops into the passenger seat without even a rebuttal. "Drive woman. Not everybody is a super genius like you. I have a test to study for before class. Chop, chop."

"Bossy much?"

She smirks and replies, "take it however you like as long as you call me Mistress."

"Okay Mistress Spencer." I say revving up the engine

"Now that's what I like to hear. You're getting better at this."

I put the car in drive and take my foot off the gas, "pshh, whatever. You just hold on to your seatbelt."

…and we're off. This girl drives me insanely crazy and I love it.

----------------

**"When I See U" by Fantasia**


	21. Love Songs: Entry 10

_I've moved. Not mentally but in the literal sense I've gone from my couch to my bathroom. Reading makes me tired and tense so I left the letters on the table to take a nice long hot shower._

_That always makes me feel so much better._

_Stepping into the steaming bathroom I slip out of my clothes and into the spacious shower stall. I close my eyes and tilt my head down to let the water cascade over my hair and neck onto my back. 'God, this feels sooo good.' I open my eyes and grab a bottle from one of the nooks in the corner. 'I really hope this is shampoo.' I open the bottle and take a whiff and pull it as far away from my face as possible barely keeping a grip on it. 'That is so not shampoo, or mine for the matter. I gotta remember to throw that away. Jesus Christ what was that? Like wax and tar scented. Who the hell would buy something like that? Who's is that any-Oh! Oh, eww, gross. That's what the freaky smell on her was. Not hot. Gotta remember to be sober enough not to pick up weird smelling girls from the bar next time.' By now I'm all shampooed and rinsed in my own scent and clean as a whistle and my big comfy bed is calling my name._

_Barely drying off and throwing on a beater and a pair of comfortable hot pants and hop under the down comforter covering my oversized mattress._

_

* * *

_

_Sleeping would be good right about now. I've been lying awake for almost two hours now with nothing on my mind. Nothing maybe a good thing but its nerve-wracking just lying here doing…nothing. I'd try counting sheep but that has never worked before, so no point in trying that technique. Let's see, counting to a million, no that's just boring and if I'm thinking of numbers in my head I won't let myself sleep until I've actually reached a million. Hmmm, how about girls? I like girls, a lot. I wonder if I can name all the ones I've fooled around with. There was Cindy, Megan, Ryan, Lyndzi, Shannon, Erin, Tori, Traci, Amanda, Morgan, Ashleigh. That was a totally weird and kinda creepy experience, trying to sleep with a girl with the same name as you. 'Never do that again. No one wants to scream their own name plus it sounds stupid.'_

_So many girls and not enough days in the week to get through them all. My new favorite thing: nightlife. Girls and more girls threw themselves at me and time and time again it happened…_

* * *

Flashback

This is so my scene. Sexiness everywhere and enough alcohol to swim in. Tonight should be fun.

"This is what I'm talking about. Oww! Let's party guys!"

I don't think I've ever found it strange that the majority of my friends were male and that I'd always go home with some chick at the end of the night from all the straight clubs and bars we went to almost every night.

"Hey guys I'm gonna go grab a drink, any requests?" I take all their orders and head over to give the monstrous order to the bartender. I think I bit off a little more than I could chew. I know I can't carry all of these back with me and I don't really wanna leave then have to squeeze back through to get to the bar to find that someone probably jacked the rest of my drinks. I fumble through my pockets for my cell to call one of the guys to come help me out when I realize I left it in the car. "Dammit!"

"Can I lend a hand?" _Yes, you definitely can._

I look up and to my left at this gorgeous woman. Grey eyes, long blonde hair, scantly covered body. Just the way I like it. "Would you mind?"

"Definitely not. But only if you save me a dance for me tonight."

"You know, I think that can be arranged." She walks up behind me slightly letting her body rub against mine as she grabs the remaining drinks and motions for me to lead the way. We make it back to the table and half the boys have already hit the dance floor. I place the drinks down and thank her for helping me out and we make introductions. Courtnie. I so love that name right now. We chat for a while and then she goes back off with her friends with the promise of my dance.

An hour later and I've laughed so hard that my face hurts and I'm pretty buzzed. A few of the guys have found potential and headed out or to the bathrooms.

I surf the crowd and find nothing too interesting so bathroom break it is. Plus, I think my bladder would have burst listening to anymore of Johnny's drunken ramblings.

On the way back I spot Courtnie on the dance floor not really dancing with anyone but definitely something worth taking a second glance at. I watch her for a while and the song changes to "I Can Feel It" by Sean Kingston. 'It's now or never.' I make my way over to her where she can't spot me. I glide in right behind her and pick up to the pace of her hips. She tenses up slightly; I guess not expecting anyone to interrupt her scene. 'I promised you a dance and I never break my promises.' I can feel her relax into my body and her hands move up and wrap around my neck gently. We move to be music very well together and sexy doesn't even describe what this girl is. I also think that the DJ must be heaven sent because it was like every song was timed perfectly for how we were feeling. By the time "Push Up On Me" by Rihanna came on she was facing me and we were damn near fucking on the dance floor. She leans in and I suspect to whisper something in my ear but she lightly nibbles on the lobe of my ear as she nudges me towards the closest speaker.

Damn this girl can kiss. No, like I could probably be satisfied with just making out with her all night, but those are definitely her intentions by the way she's tugging at my lips and feeling up and down my body. It's almost like I feel publicly violated but in the best way ever.

I break our connection and relocate us to a vacant bathroom stall. Things heated up quite a bit and I'm sans my tank and she's also sans anything covering her top half and I'm devouring her. She sounds like heaven. Her moans and whimpers are freaking addicting and I keep running my tongue over her sensitive areas just to hear more of them. My hands roam all over her body and she's enjoying every ounce of the attention I'm giving.

_**"God, Spence you feel so good."**_ 'Spence? Huh?'

I look up into grey eyes and open my eyes in shock. "Hey," she reaches out to touch my face and I jump away. "Whoa, you okay? Did I do something wrong?"

"You're not Spe- I mean um. No. No, everything's okay." I lean back in to kiss her for reassurance and she gently moves me against the door and ravishing my neck. I'm sure that'll leave a mark.

_**"Ash, not too rough. I don't want my mom to see your love bites all over my neck and it's too hot to wear turtlenecks."**_

I roughly push Courtnie off of me and try to unlock the door from behind me but she grabs me. "What the hell? Seriously, I'm doing some of my best work here Ashley. What's your deal?"

"It's nothing. I just-I-um-I have to go. I'm sorry." I reach the latch on the door and release it while grabbing my shirt and throwing it over my head as I leave a bewildered looking and frustrated Courtnie in the bathroom. I make my way towards the front of the club and out the doors. By this time I'm sprinting because I can't do this here. Not in public, where everyone can see. This is not me. "Fuck!" I yell as the tears start to fall rapidly from my eyes and down to my tank. I make it to my car and shut myself in letting the storm take over me.

This hasn't happened in so long and I thought I was okay. The connection was there. Why me? That's why I never fuck blondes. She's fucked me for the rest of my life. I can't even enjoy one of the hottest women I've ever seen because she's still invading my mind.

After about half an hour of trying to calm myself I start the car and call one of the guys to let them know I was safe and heading home. This is gonna be a long night. I need junk food.

* * *

_…I have a disease and it's called Spenceritis. Anytime I touched a hot blonde that wasn't her I'd always go back to a time when we were together. Then I'd always come back to the reality of some random slut sucking on some part of my body with a mouth that wasn't Spencer's and I'd push them away roughly only offering an 'I'm sorry' as reason and running away in a sweat._

_I'd curse myself all the way to my car or wherever I could run to find solace and then breakdown. I was a sobbing mess so I mostly tried to hold it in til I was away from watching eyes. Once I only had enough strength to make it to a park bench and an old couple passing stopped to see if I was okay. I nodded yes but of course my makeup was everywhere and my clothes were a little messy from recent activities and they thought I'd been sexually harassed or something. They even almost called the police. Once I'd calmed enough I'd told them it was just a bad breakup. It wasn't necessary to inform them that it happened a year ago and counting, but still._

_I'm fucked forever and left to suffer with Spenceritis._

* * *

_I glance at the clock. Big red numbers staring at me making me even more restless knowing that the sun is about to break through the darkness of clouds._

_I'm dozing now but still not sleeping. I guess it isn't always a bad thing to think about nothing. The past can't haunt you when there's nothing running through your head._


	22. Love Songs: Entry 11

_God, I hate mornings. I feel like I've been drinking for days. Worse actually. I drag through the day better than yesterday I guess. I make it to the office. I chat with a few clients. I answer fan mail and then grab a late lunch and decide I'm done for the day. Gotta love the perks of being my own boss._

_Stopping by the video store I pick up some horror flicks I haven't seen yet and head home. I walked the stairs up to my apartment instead of taking the elevator. I figure it'd serve me some good since I've been slacking on my gym routine lately due to wallowing._

_'Ahhh home sweet home.' I change into sweats and a beater, grab a beer, pop in 'High Tension' and get comfy in my recliner. I swear this is the best chair ever made. I feel so small in it. My feet hang high of the ground. I rarely actually recline it back. I love to rock slowly back and forth. It's soothing and an easy way to lull me to sleep or a perfect aid to processing my thoughts._

_-----_

_So I'm about halfway through this movie. I swear it's the slowest buildup to nothing I've ever seen in my life. I've been fast forwarding most of it. I mean come on they could've at least had some better tension music if we were gonna watch this crazy ass chick wait and be chased through most of the damn movie. 'Oh wait.' "Play, dammit, play. I think she said something." 'Awww boo. She was just yelling on the phone.' I press the fast forward button again and wait for something interesting to happen._

_-----_

_"What the hell?!" 'Is that seriously it?' I knew better than to pick up this fucking movie. Besides having to force my way through the terrible voice-over, it was so predictable. I knew she was in love with her best friend from the first five minutes of the movie. I wasn't expecting her to be the killer but whoever made this movie definitely didn't think it through enough. There are chunks that don't even make since. How the hell does she chase her fucking self in the woods? This shit is crazy and the now I can't stop laughing because I can't get that fucking line out of my head and her facial expression at the end in the mental ward. I should call someone and leave a creepy voicemail saying, 'I won't let anyone come between us anymore' over and over. Man that was a complete waste of time._

_I get up and stretch and decide to go shower to wake myself up. I'm off the next few days and all I plan to do is stay up all night watching terrible movies and eating junk food._

_-----_

_Fresh out the shower I hear my house phone ring and make a dash for it._

_"Don't hang up, I'm comin - shiiiit. Mother-bastard. Dam-ughhhh!"_

_"Ouchy" I roll over onto my back under the table where I rolled after I stubbed my toe on the heavy metal of my dining room chair. After about five minutes of just lying there hoping my toes aren't broken I get up and check my message from the person who just called. "Ugh. Son of a bitch." 'I just almost broke my fucking toes for my ass of a mother calling to remind me to take out her precious Tinka while she's away. I hate the fucking dog!'_

_I finally get off the floor and realize I'm still in just my bath robe. I get up and a pain shoots through my foot so I sit in the chair to examine my foot. 'Not like I really know what to look for but, hey.' I rub my foot for a minute and stand when my hand lands on some loose paper under a placemat on the table. 'What's this?'_

_It took just a moment but I realized it was a torn page from my Spencer-chronicles. I bent down to the box of things I was looking through the day before and pull out the bound pages._

_I wrote everything in that notebook. With the amount and various types of music I had been listening to then all my feelings just poured out of me in bucket loads. I couldn't just write to write anymore. I was in a zone; poems, songs, you name it, I wrote it and it revolved around one blonde beauty._

_**'Flaws and All'**__, I was feeling nostalgic._

_**'I'd Rather Be Alone'**__, I think that pretty much sums up how I was feeling._

_**'Save Room'**__, I was sad and I needed to express how much I needed her to need me, even if it was just a little bit._

_**'Always In My Heart'**__, I was like drunk off my ass when I wrote this. When I came to the next day I laughed a little at the cursing I used in the lyrics, I try to stay away from using it in my expressions even though I curse like a sailor. After I read what was written seriously I cried like a baby._

_**'Rehab'**__, I think this was one of my favorites. It was probably the most honest thing I've ever done other than telling her that I loved her. I scanned the ink on the paper._

**When we first met I never felt something so strong  
You were like my lover and my best friend  
All wrapped in one with a ribbon on it  
And all of a sudden you went left, I didn't know how to follow  
It's like a shot that spun me around and now my heart's dead  
I feel so empty and hollow**

**And I'll never give myself to another the way I gave it to you  
Don't even recognize the ways you hit me do you  
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back  
And you're the one to blame**

**And now I feel like you're the reason why I'm thinking  
I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more  
I guess that's what I get for wishful thinking  
Should've never let you enter my door  
Next time you wanna go on and leave I should just let you go on and do it**

**'Cause now I'm using like I bleed  
It's like I checked into rehab  
Baby you're my disease  
I gotta check into rehab  
'Cause baby you're my disease**

**Ain't it crazy when you're love swept you'd do anything for the one you love  
'Cause anytime that you needed me I'd be there  
It's like you were my favorite drug  
The only problem is that you was using me in a different way that I was using you  
But now that I know it's not meant to be  
You gotta go I gotta wean myself off of you.**

_I run my fingers over the page, lost in another place and time. 'I remember the first song I ever wrote about you.'_

* * *

Flashback

Walking into the room the blonde placed her backpack in the corner by the door and spread out on the brunettes' bed. "God, I swear my teachers are trying to kill me. How was your first day?"

"Eh, okay I guess"

"You so didn't go to any classes today did you?"

"Maybe but I did something better. Come listen to this."

"What is it?"

"It's something I just finished recording. I want to know what you think."

"So you ditched school to go to the studio?"

"Hey, I had inspiration after I dropped you off this morning and wanted to get it out. Plus no one really shows up the first day of classes anyway. Now come on you lazy bum, get up and listen." The blonde stands and walks over to take a seat on the floor near the desk chair and holds her hands out. "Give me the headphones. It'll sound better if I can drown out your annoying feet pacing the floor as I try to listen to it."

"Whatever. Here you go m'lady."

"Why thank you kind madam."

"You're such a loser."

"But a loser that you love, now shoo, go away so I can concentrate."

-----

Just as the blonde called it, as the song began to play through the headphones Ashley started to pace the floor. She noticed Spencer's laid back demeanor change and her eyes closed as she went into thinking/concentrating mode.

Normally it was just the sheer anticipation of wanting Spencer to like something she did but this time the song was about Spencer so it was especially important to need her to like it.

She hadn't noticed but apparently she took up rubbing her temples and closing her eyes while laid back on the bed and was startled by a grinning blonde hovering over her.

"So I take it you like the song."

"I really, really like it. What, or should I say whom, was this so called inspiration of yours?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Spencer."

"So you weren't thinking of this super sexy blonde that you met not too long ago, who you absolutely adore and thinks that the songs is amazing?" she says throwing a confident smirk to her face.

"Nope. Not in the least bit. But I was thinking about this chick I met the other night at the mall. She was so hot and had these huuuge-OWWW!!" She shrieked and sat up at the punch sent to her stomach. "What the hell Spencer?"

"That wasn't funny."

"Oh but it was."

"Whatever. Anyway, I totally love the song" she says placing a barely there kiss on the corner of the brunettes mouth. "Could I possibly trouble you to put it on my iPod? PLEASE!!!"

"Of course I can do that but for a small fee." She puckers up and points to her lips and the blonde quickly replies joining their lips in a chaste but lingering kiss.

"How's that?"

"Perfect"

"Can you play it for me again? On the speakers this time."

"Sure, one sec." Ashley hops off the bed to remove the headphones from her desktop and plays the song over her speakers. She walks back to the bed and extends her hand for the blonde to take, "dance with me."

**You only stay with me in the morning  
You only hold me when I sleep  
I was meant to tread the water but now I've gotten in too deep  
For every piece of me that wants you another piece backs away.**

**'Cause you give me something that makes me scared, alright  
This could be nothing but I'm willing to give it a try  
Please give me something 'cause someday I might know my heart**

**You only waited up for hours just to spend a little time alone with me  
And I can say I've never bought you flowers, I can't work out what they mean  
I never thought that I'd love someone that was someone else's dream**

**'Cause you give me something that makes me scared, alright  
This could be nothing but I'm willing to give it a try  
Please give me something 'cause someday I might call you from my heart  
But it might be a second too late  
And the words I could never say gonna come out anyway**

**'Cause you give me something that makes me scared, alright  
This could be nothing but I'm willing to give it a try  
Please give me something 'cause someday I might know my heart**

-----

_I shake my head out of my thoughts and place all the items back in the box to store away for good now._

------------------------

**"Rehab" by Rihanna  
"You Give Me Something" by James Morrison**

**I didn't put the lyrics to these in here but I mentioned these songs and had a little playlist going while I was writing.**

**"Flaws and All" by Beyonce  
"I'd Rather Be Alone" by Jesse Powell  
"Save Room" by John Legend  
"Always In My Heart" by Tevin Campbell**


	23. Love Songs: Entry 12

_I feel bloated. Yesterday I totally over did it on the junk food and now I need to go work it off. I really don't feel like driving to the gym so I think I'll run. I haven't done that in a while and its a little park right around the corner._

_I unplug my iPod from the speakers and scroll through it. 'Damn I need to update this thing.' I stuff it in the thingy attached to my armband and grab my ear buds and head out the door._

_-----_

_I start my jog once I reach the trail that runs around the park and about two miles later I got bored with my thoughts and put on a random playlist._

_'Bad idea.'_

_I never got around to deleting this playlist but I wish I would've. 'This is so not what I need right now.'_

* * *

Flashback

"Ash! Come on Ash I really have to use the toilet. Dammit Ash, if you're gonna cry all day and night can you at least do it in a room that isn't a common room for everyone."

Coming out of the bathroom after a few more shouts, teary eyed and looking like hell "Happy now?"

"Very."

"God, John could you be a bigger ass. The girl has a broken heart and you can go piss outside somewhere man."

"Well fuck you if I have enough manners to not want to piss on the side of a building."

"I'm sorry about him Ash." Letting out a sigh, "why don't you go to the room and try to relax, k? We don't have to be in Chicago for another two days. Try and get some rest?"

She gave Mike a 'what the hell, you can't really be serious' look and glared at him.

"Look okay, listen to some music or something just-just try okay. You're going to be no good for your fans if you're like this on stage.

With no words and just a head nod the brunette was ushered to the bedroom by Sam, who grabbed her bright green covered iPod at sat in nest to her in the bed.

After getting the brunette settled, Sam turned to her, "that's my girl. You know we all love you Ashy. You're like a little sister and I really hate seeing you like this." He placed a kiss on her forehead and joined the rest on the band mates back in the living area of the hotel suite so she could be alone since she seemed to not really respond to any of them when they spoke to her.

'This is fucking great. I can't even get out of the room because they're all right there and I'd have to pass them to get out. I know I won't be able to sleep or relax. I just want to go leave, runaway from everything.'

-----

I laid in bed for all of two minutes before I started pacing which I've been doing for the last two hours. 'I have to tire myself out some way.'

After another hour of mindless chatter with myself which led to more crying I eventually made a 'this shit can't possibly get any worse' playlist on my iPod. As sad as it was, I have to say it gave me a little strength knowing I was not alone in knowing what having your heart ripped out felt like. This was the only way I could still feel normal, connecting with music.

**Officially Missing You-Tamia; State of My Heart-LaToya London;  
Teardrops on My Guitar-Taylor Swift; Go Your Own Way-Fleetwood Mac;  
Where Do We Go From Here-Deborah Cox; Wait For You-Elliot Yamin;  
Love & I-Tamia; Don't Say Goodbye Girl-Tevin Campbell; Lonely-Ne-yo;  
What Were We Thinking-Joss Stone; After Love-Diddy/Keri Hilson; How Do I Breathe-Mario;  
The Lonliness-Babyface; Better Than Me-Hinder; Wait-Stacie Orrico; Gone-'N Sync;  
Love You Like I Did-112; Love Is A Losing Game-Amy Winehouse; Darlin'-Backstreet Boys;  
Outta My System-Bow Wow; Nothing-Brandy; Let Me In-Floetry; Priceless-Frankie J;  
Goodbye My Lover-James Blunt; You'll Think of Me-Keith Urban; I Can't Stop Loving You-Kem;  
Tell Me If You Still Care-Monica; Light Years Away-MoZella; Faded Memories-Nina Sky;  
Icebox-Omarion; Burn-Usher; Stay-Sugarland; Heartbreaker-Tank; Raincoat-Kelly Sweet;  
It's Not Over-Daughtry; Over It-Katherine McPhee…**

Okay, now those last two I just threw onto the end hopefully one day I would be able to listen to it or have that feeling but I never did.

That's what got me through the next few weeks. Knowing that I could always go to my music for a little healing. Let's just say my iPod said 'screw you' after how many times that playlist repeated. Not all of the songs were that bad but who cares as long as I was coping. Music was my only way to do it since my remedy for all things painful was now the reason for my pain. I could've started drinking, I could turn to drugs but that's not my thing. I'd rather just wallow.

* * *

_I finish my jog after about 4 more miles and rush to take a shower._

_Coming out of the steamy bathroom, my mind goes back to the day I made a huge change._

_My break through moment happened when I actually forgot to put my playlist on and just let the music fill my room while I showered. I remember walking into my bedroom to a song I'd never really listened to before but the voice…Jessica Simpson? It had to be something Spencer put on here. Instead of changing it I listened and thought to myself it made me somehow closer to her. I just laid in my robe after about three songs one came on and it made me actually listen and I said, 'you know what, you're right.'_

**Life is a curve ball thrown with a wild arm  
And if I'm going to swing in I must get motivated  
Instead of lying in my bed  
I'm like a train wreck trucking down a fast hill  
Heartbreak is overrated  
If I dry the tears now I can get a head start out the door**

**I never loved the sun until the rain  
I'll never get anywhere if I stay in a same place  
Always afraid I'm…**

**Gonna just get stuck in a dream where the answer's clear but no one knows it  
It's like a toss up I gotta get out of here cause I'm tired of emotions  
I'm blue no more, walkin' round in a circle  
Déjà vu no more, walkin' round in a circle**

_After that, I got up and actually made an appearance at a few things. I'd literally been hiding from the world, flashing cameras and paparazzi went crazy for shots of me. I loved the separation from the outside world while I was held up in my room no matter how short lived it was. I used it as an escape and now I was thrown back into the spotlight. All eyes on me, but only if they looked a little closer they'd see a broken heart lay beneath._

----------------

**"Walkin' Round In A Circle" by Jessica Simpson**


	24. Love Songs: Entry 13

Just to refresh your memory…before all of the flashbacks started and Ashley went into her own head with letters and songs and stuff.

_**We became better than ever. Best friends, hanging out, having a blast. I really have to say that I missed her family. Mr. C was like a breath of fresh air and I have to say that I think he was just as happy to see me as I was to see him. That made me feel freaking fantastic. Every moment in the beginning was spent together. We were inseparable. If you called one the other was not far off. I loved every second of it until one day something changed.**_

_**It wasn't a distinct thing, well for me it was but I'm sure Spencer didn't even notice it or that she was doing it. One of the things I've always loved and hated about Spencer is her jealousy. It's a bad thing but she says she can never feel it. Anyway, one day we were having lunch and our waiter, Bev, was particularly interested in my clothes, or lack thereof. She was blatantly staring at my cleavage and she came to check on us way too often and kept pulling me into conversation practically inviting herself to the table and dismissing Spencer's presence. I played it up and I never thought anything of it, this girl could have had potential in other aspects of my life. I have to keep my networking skills on point, or so that's what I told Spencer when she gave the girl the iciest glare when she slid me her phone number with the bill. I was a little confused about it but chalked it up to her being peeved that we couldn't spend our quality time together uninterrupted. That doesn't mean it didn't make my blood boil over that she had that look in her eye that always let me know that I was hers and anyone, male or female, should back off. But I'm not hers anymore and won't let my hopes up to me being that to her ever again. **_

_**

* * *

**_

...back to the present...

August 2007

_It took seven months before my resolve broke but it was instant attraction the day we bumped back into each other. I said before that I wouldn't get my hopes up but they are so high right now, I can't even explain._

_We spent the day at the mall. We bought a little of everything. Okay, I bought a little bit of everything but Spencer was acting strange. She was overly giggly and flirtatious today. Not to complain, but no matter how hard I try to ignore it my body has affects to everything she does so this can't be good. Throughout the day she went about trying to grab my hand whenever she could, making up lame excuses that she was cold or shoving different rings on my fingers when we were looking at jewelry. Nothing was more than innocent touches but having this kind of affection from her was not something I was ready to deal with._

_After the last stop I tried to keep my promise to get her to her parents on time for dinner but there was a dress calling my name and I had to have it._

_-----_

_A few minutes and a sexy dress later we were in my car and I was pulling out of the parking garage._

_"God Ash come on. I have to be at my parents in like fifteen minutes."_

_"Calm down. I can get you there in five. Just one more store."_

_"Ashley! I want to get there alive. Drive now!"_

_"You suck"_

_"Actually, I don't." 'I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.'_

_"Okay eww eww. I so don't care about what you do in your spare time. Gross."_

_"Oh you know you love it."_

_"Ugh. Just get out and walk the rest of the way I need to make my way home to go and puncture my ear drums now." 'That's so not a joke.'_

_"Oh shush you" she playfully hits me in the arm and we fall into random banter filling the quick car ride. She says something and I try to drown her out by turning on the radio and we quickly turn into a karaoke duo rhyming with "Cupid's Chokehold" by Gym Class Heroes. Such a great song when neither of you knows all the words_ Finishing in light laughter the next song starts playing.

"Ooh I love this."

**Whenever I'm alone with you  
You make me feel like I am home again  
Whenever I'm alone with you  
You make me feel like I am whole again**

_'Okay, how awkward'_

**Whenever I'm alone with you  
You make me feel like I am young again  
Whenever I'm alone with you  
You make me feel like I am fun again**

**However far away, I will always love you  
However long I stay, I will always love you  
Whatever words I say, I will always love you  
I will always love you**

_Spencer is staring intently at the side of my face and I can tell she is so deep in thought. If I were to ram into a car right now she wouldn't notice. Maybe it's the song. I should probably change it._

**Whenever I'm alone with you  
You make me feel like I am free again  
Whenever I'm alone with you  
You make me feel like I am clean again**

_I reach to turn of the radio and her hand stops me. Instead of letting go she flips it over and places it in her lap drawing random invisible patterns over my palm and creating havoc with me emotions._

**However far away, I will always love you  
However long I stay, I will always love you  
Whatever words I say, I will always love you  
I will always love you**

_The song ends and we ride in silence the rest of the way. She never lets go of my hand until we come to a stop in front of her parent's door. Even then she places a gentle kiss on my knuckles and exits the car. She turns to smile and wave as she enters the house and I pull away from the Carlin's. I don't know what got into her tonight but it has me on cloud nine. I don't know if this is good or bad._

-------------------

**"Love Song" by 311**


	25. Love Songs: Entry 14

_I tried to put out of my mind all of the subtle flirting and lingering touches or embraces. I just drowned myself in drinking and many, many brunettes and red heads to keep me occupied. That Spenceritis crept back up on me. To this day it irked me that I couldn't put 'my blonde' out of my head when it came to trying to bang hot girls with her hair or similar shades of it._

It took a while but eventually her guy was like one of my best hang out buds. If Spencer chose to move on with anyone I'm glad he's the one. He's so good for her and to her but lately something has been off. I think she may be questioning whether he's the right one for her. We talk, A LOT. And recently it's been, "get me out of this house, he's smothering me" or "I can't stand to go home right now. Can we go see a movie or catch dinner or something?" She always just sporadically calls me and not that I hate it but it's not really persistent and she never has a reason as to where the actions come from but it's always Aiden she's getting away from and me she's coming to. Sometimes when she would say things it was as if it was to bait me to see how I'd react. I held my ground and gave her the best 'best friend' advice I could give her. One look into her blue eyes always gave her away. I know that woman better than she knows herself and I can read her like an open book. She still loves Aiden, but she's not in love with him. I feel bad because there's the feeling that I can't tell her to follow her heart when I'm rooting for her heart to be with me. Sure, I'm the 'best friend' but that definitely stroked my ego knowing that I was her escape. At first it was meaningless little things but it turned into sleepovers and waking up in each other's arms the next morning.

That started it all. The feeling of her being back in my arms even if just for a moment made me think of happier times between us and made me want more than a friendship with her. She was and still is the love of my life.

The next day all would be fine and she would go home and we never talked about our mornings of taking in the silence around us and simply staring at each other for long moments. Aiden was completely clueless. I was unaware of how much he really knew. He mentioned he knew me and Spencer had a past and I almost shit my pants with fear thinking of how he would react to our history but the next words out of his mouth gave Spencer away. 'I'm sorry you had to move so far away. It's a shame you girls lost touch the way you did. Spence said you were her superwoman during HS. She really missed you.' Yeah, that was all I could offer him. A simple 'yeah'. What the hell? I have to admit that the superwoman comment made my heart swoon but again that night was drowned out by a Jessica or an Amanda...who really cares what her name was but that was a good night. I refused to think about Spencer even though she was in my every thought. She was the one thing that mattered. She's my drug. She's all I need.

-----

Hanging out with Aiden is too weird now. I love the guy, I do, but I just can't be myself knowing that he's the one going home to be with 'my Spencer' every night. It kills me and I have been avoiding him for about a week or two now. He's such a sweetheart, he cares about how I'm doing and not just calling to grab a beer. I just can't be around him right now and all I can do to stay sane is to ignore him. I know it's not gonna last too long though. He's a smart man and he'll be hunting me down eventually if he doesn't squeeze something out of Spencer he'll pick up on her weird behavior.


	26. Love Songs: Entry 15

September 2007

_Tonight started so good but could end up so bad. I'm going to have a hard time keeping my hands to myself and I'm not so sure Spencer isn't baiting me. Her outfit, God, that fucking outfit. It's fierce and leaving little to the imagination. Okay maybe not so much, but when you know what it looks like underneath all the nooks and crannies it's hard not to see through the clothes._

This is a total chill out night, just me and Spencer. Sometimes we take friends with us but something in the air has shifted and I only want to be with her. Not that I don't have fun with the others girls, it's just I'd rather be alone with her tonight.

We decided to keep it low key, just dinner and then we were going to go walking on the beach to talk.

"Ooh Ash look! Let's do karaoke. Please?" How could I ever compete with the cutest pout and puppy dog eyes ever? I don't tell her that but I relent and we walk into this trendy bar.

"Thank God, it doesn't smell like smoke in here."

"I know. So, are we going to sign up? Yes?"

"Whatever you like." I don't know why I'm all passive and I can tell she has caught on to my over exaggerated nonchalant demeanor. I don't know what's wrong with me but I feel like I'm in a trance. Like this is all really happening but I'm in someone else's body and can't speak. I still smile when appropriate and our body language hasn't changed. The hand holding, the lingering touches, the eye gazing, it's all there but my body is on autopilot and it's not in tune with my speech. Everything I say, if I speak at all is mumbled and not the least bit sarcastic like I'm used to. I don't know what my body is telling me but I don't like it at all.

"Ash?" She's looking at my funky and I mumble some sort of noise to let her know I'm with her. I must have zoned on my little head scene. "Hey, you okay? You seem a little off tonight."

"Yeah, I'm okay." That's the most I've said since we walked in the door. I stand to head to the bar. "Why don't you go sign us up and I'll grab us some drinks." She gives me this quizzical look but she says nothing, smiles gently at me and goes over to the Karaoke booth.

'What the hell is wrong with me tonight? I need to get it together.'

I go back over to our table and place the drinks in front of Spencer who is currently making a terrible face at the even more terrible sound coming from the stage. "Man, that's awful."

She turns to see me sitting down next to her now, "totally. See the face." She points to her frown and then notices the drink I placed in front of her. "Awww, you're a girl after my heart," she says taking a sip of her drink. 'Paradise breeze. Her favorite.'

"Well I knew it was the only thing you could drink without you making an ass of yourself" I say grinning at the face she makes at me.

"Whatever. You're just an alchy."

"No, being an alcoholic means you have a problem and I don't have one, thank you very much."

"Next up we have," he looks down at his clipboard, "Spencer. You guys give him a round of applause."

"HER!" we both shout at the same time. I laugh it off as she walks up to the stage. I kind of perk up with her on stage. She did her usual show tune, comedy style and just for me. We are complete dorks but it's always fun. I joined her for the next song and we did a duet of "Islands in the Stream." It doesn't get any better than that, especially when she fudged up the words she'd forgotten. They pretty much kicked us off the stage after that one but we still got a bigger applause than the guy trying to rap…who does rap songs in karaoke?

We hung out a while just laughing and actually making conversation with some people that were there. They were decent and extremely hilarious; I actually had to excuse myself to the bathroom so I wouldn't pee myself.

On my way back from the bathroom something came over me and I went back over to the karaoke stand and decided to do another song. It had been pretty dull music wise all night but I felt like stepping back in the rings with something a little more serious. I hadn't sang somewhere so up close and personal in a while so I was a little nervous but I have Spencer here so at least that's already one cheerleader for my team.

"Alright guy and girls, we have Miss Davies coming back to the stage."

I saw Spencer from the stage give me a 'what are you doing' kinda of look and as soon as she saw the guitar on my shoulder she smiled. She always loved it when it was just me and my guitar. She said it made her feel safe and secluded somewhere on a private island. Her words not mine, but I loved singing for her anytime I could and I haven't in a while.

"Hey guys, I'm back." I smiled and they cheered. I so belong up here. It's my safe haven. "Well I thought I go a little more serious and sing something that I actually know all the words to this time." The crowd laughed and I glanced at Spencer mouthing 'I hate you' to me. I blow her a playful kiss, "alright this is 'Beautiful Surprise.' Oh and if I change a few words don't mind them. I'm singing for the woman of my dreams, sorry fellas." I laugh with the crowd and start to strum the guitar, close my eyes and float away…

It's like yesterday I didn't even know your name  
Now today you're always on my mind  
I never could have predicted that I feel this way  
You are beautiful surprise

Intoxicated every time I hear your voice  
You've got me on a natural high  
It's almost like I didn't even have a choice  
You are a beautiful surprise

Whatever it is you came to teach me  
I am here to learn it cause  
I believe that we are written in the stars  
And I don't know what the future holds  
But I'm living in the moment  
And I'm thankful for the girl that you are

You are everything I asked for in my prayers  
So I know my angels brought you to my life  
Your energy is healing to my soul  
You are a beautiful surprise

You are an inspiration to my life  
You are the reason why I smile  
You are a beautiful surprise

_I finish the song and open my eyes and all I see is Spencer staring straight at me. This time there is loud applause for my performance but it's all drowned out as I see her wipe a stray tear from her eye._


	27. Love Songs: Entry 16

I don't know what made me do it but this one is like all over the place but should be easy to follow…the lyrics are not actually being read or sung…there kinda just there cuz I thought they fit and they were what gave me the idea for that part of the chapter…it's pretty much a song fic inside a chapter.

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_'Hmmm. What time is it? She should be awake'_

---To---  
Spence

---Message---  
Hey babe, what ya doin? Wanna hang?

_A few seconds later my phone buzzes._

---From---  
Spence

---Message---  
Nothin' much. I was gonna be lazy today but sure. What'd you have in mind?

---To---  
Spence

---Message---  
Not really sure, I just was bored and wanted some company.

---From---  
Spence

---Message---  
K, meet me at the park in say an hour?

---To---  
Spence

---Message---  
Coolness. Later babe.

_I jumped up and took a quick shower knowing it'd be a little bit of a walk to the park and I know she'd get there before me._

-----

I'm sprinting towards the park. I got a little carried away in the shower.

I see Aiden walking away from Spence and some lady talking. He seems out of it though because when he falls behind when Spencer starts walking off after the lady left. I see them talking about something and I slow down to a walk to catch my breath before I reach them. As I get closer I can hear them but I still don't know what they're talking about and Spencer snaps her fingers in his face as I approach her from behind. I put my hands around her neck and I can feel her grin and loss of conversation as she greets me and pulls me to stand beside her.

Aiden is kinda of glaring at me. I really hope he doesn't suspect anything but his face and lack of acknowledging me is telling me otherwise. I walk a little ways away after Spence asks me to give them a second alone and I'm freaking out. I get lost in a rant of my own when Spencer returns and jumps up and straddles my back, startling me.

We laugh as I carry her all the way across the street to the coffee shop.

As soon as we go in and order our coffees the realization that we're alone again hits. We sit at a booth in silence for a while. It's like everything is unspoken and forbidden territory now. It's like she's not saying what she feels. I can see it all over her face.

I know there's something she wants to say, she has been quiet ever since we stepped in the café

Emotions running wild, I can feel it when I'm next to you  
Something's on your mind  
You wanna stay but won't tell me, it's about your secrecy

_She's so adorable when she gets like this but I know it's never a good thing because she'll get distant and then completely recoil into herself._

So what are you tryna hide?

_I reach for her hand and it startles her a little. Gently squeezing I try pulling her out of the trance she's in but as usual she tells me she's fine and tries to change the subject. I'll eventually give up on getting it out of her but I know there's something there. She seemed grateful that I let it go and offered to walk me back to my place. "Sure let's go." _

I know what the look means  
You hold my hand so tightly whenever we say goodbye  
Standing by the door, I can tell you can't take no more  
Blow your secret open wide

_I can't say that the conversation was excellent but as we reach my apartment she goes quiet again. She knows I hate silence but I'll do anything for her if she asked me to so I just stay quiet. I wish shed tell me what it is and stop this game. _

So maybe if you say it  
Tell me what it is you like  
Baby, baby don't be shy  
Maybe you can spend the night  
If you say it

_I asked if she wanted to come in for a bit but she kinda just stares at me with this far away look in her eyes. "No, I should get going. It's getting late." _

But if you playin', not wit it  
Cause you know what I wanna hear  
Say it, that'll make it more clear  
I need to know how you feel  
So baby won't you say it.

_Defeated, "Okay. I guess I'll see you then."_

"Yeah. Call me later?"

"Definitely. You be careful." I pull her into a tight hug and feel her sigh loudly against my ear before she pulls away.

"Always. Goodnight."

"Night."

-----

It's been about fifteen minutes and she should be home by now. I'm feeling too antsy because of the way she left here so call her. "What could you possibly want now, I just left you not 10 minutes ago" she answers sarcastically. 'Glad to see she's back.'

"I just wanted to make sure you made it home okay…and to hear your voice. I sleep better when you're the last thing I hear."

"Well I'm glad to hear that but I'm standing at my door as we speak so I will talk to you tomorrow. Goodnight hun."

"Later babe."


	28. Love Songs: Entry 17

This is it...All of this adds up from part 4 to the end of Spencer's POV and I kind of jump from first and third person…it's separated but some of it just sounded better if Ashley were telling it herself.

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_Spencer's totally avoiding me today. I can feel it and I don't like it. I'm sick of this. She's been avoiding my calls all day and her assistant said she's there but she's not sure if she's alive because she hasn't come out at all, for anything. God, I swear she needs to fire that guy. He cares for no one, never knows anything, has a snar-castic remark for everything and doesn't do his job. He's simply there for the paycheck. I'm a wreck. I can't take this any longer._

_After showering and a change of clothes she's rushing out of her door to Spencer's office but she's apparently left for the day. 'Great. Well at least I know she's alive but where is her head at right now?' After about twenty minutes she's at Spencer's pulling into a park at apartment. All the while calling her cell and she's not answering. 'Dammit! Okay her car's here so she must be upstairs.' Sprinting she avoids the elevator taking the stairs, too anxious to wait taking three steps at a time. 'Not a good idea because now I can't breathe. But for Spencer I'll do anything without a moment's thought.' Stopping to catch her breath she lightly knocks on the door but no one answers. Still trying to call while knocking. 'Nothing.'_

_After about five minutes the mild knocking has turned into frantic banging and yelling at the door. "Spencer! Spence, I know you're in there I saw your car outside. Are you alive? Answer the damn door!" A few more seconds and there's movement and the door swings open and she's pulled into the apartment. All words are lost and flying over her head not quite catching on. Relieved that she's okay. 'Wait, I think she asked me something cuz she has the look. Here comes the babble' Words are flying everywhere, just the first thing that comes to mind. After a moment she's pulling Spencer into an embrace._

_----------------------------------------_

_The next thing I know we're yelling at each other and she's pulling away from me_

_"Just stop okay!" Spencer yells. "Ashley I care about you so much and it hurts that I have to do this..." she pauses "again." She turns away from me._

_I jump to my feet. This is so not happening again. "No, Spencer, no!" She won't look me in the eye. I lift her chin to my face, "look at me Spencer. I'm not gonna let you run away from this again. I lost you once and I won't do it again, ever. You're my number one, babe. I will wait forever for you but I won't let you push me away and I won't let you run away from whatever this is. I love you too much to just let you go."_

_Now she's just standing there. I can see the tears about to break and she falls into me sobbing. She calms down after a few minutes of me whispering in her ear that it'll be okay. Pulling back to see her face I ask her if she's okay._

_"No, not really" she pouts and falls back into my arms but there's no more tears. Just holding each other. I continue telling her it's okay and I'm not going anywhere. Pulling back a little I have an idea that always makes her feel better. Music. I walk over to adjust the stereo to something soothing. "How about a dance?"_

_Perfect. That's what that moment was, and then she looked up at me I knew I was head over heels in love again with Spencer Carlin. The simplest action of a gentle kiss in friendly places and I'm mush in her hands. We danced, we loved, and we just were. I'll never feel this way for anyone in my life again. I have to say something. My head is going to explode._

_"Spencer?"_

_"Yeah"_

_"What would you do if I told you how much I love you"_

_"Ash I-" I cut her off and pull back to make sure she can hear and feel what I'm about to tell her._

_"No Spencer, I need you to know this because it's killing me to act as just your friend when I want more than that." I place my hand over her heart. "I want this. I love you Spencer Carlin. I am in love with you, always have been and always will be." She never moves my hand and she just tries to steady her breathing for a moment. I can feel her heart rate speed up instantly. She opens her mouth and closes it. Again. Then, "I love you Ashley, so much." She seems distracted slightly before muttering, "God, this song." Okay, random._

_"Way to kill the mood but what's so wrong with this song. I actually like it."_

_"Ash, it's our song. Me and Aiden's"_

_'Oh, oooohhhh! Yeah that's not good.' "Oh, you want me to-"_

_"No, no, it's still a nice song. Just I-" she stumbles as I start humming. I can't help it. The song is beautiful and it does fit the moment. I'm lost in this woman. I could stay this way forever, never finding my way if it means I'll be hers._

_

* * *

_The End…

* * *

A/N: I'm thinking of doing a little more after this…how everyone changes…or doesn't. Basically just a glimpse into life after Aiden walks in on them.


End file.
